Author’s note: This dating series was written over the course of the past year (2024). True to my procrastinating nature, I’m just publishing it now. Links to parts 1, 2, and 3 are here.

I’m choosing not to heavily edit the posts and instead let them live as a ‘time capsule’ of sorts. I’ll include occasional commentary in italics from present-Rick, who’s much more experienced in the modern dating-verse than at the start. Now, we can re-watch my evolution together. It’s all a journey or something…

Summer Teenage Nights

I'm on the edge of my cheap computer chair. Blue light from the monitor silhouettes my form. It is well after midnight. The year is 2004 and I am 14 years old. Behind me, Aqua Teen Hunger Force from Adult Swim is blaring in the background. I loved the show but had no attention for it now. The most important thing in my life is the ICQ messaging interface before me.

Will Molly message me again? Did she go to bed?

As teenagers in a rural Pennsylvania town, this is how my friends and I spent our summer nights. We coordinated using ICQ and then would call each other, setting up complicated connections with 3, 4 or more landlines. We'd get phone numbers during the day and call girls at night. Unfortunately, some you couldn't call - their parents would get pissed the phone was ringing late at night. Imagine. The nerve.

Molly was one of these girls. We were already friends and had been hanging out casually for weeks. I was crushing on her harder than a monster truck over a grape. Did she like me back? At 14, it was impossible to tell.

*Uh oh*1 A message!

The message contained a link to the song Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand. Luckily, cracking this case didn't require me to be a Navajo Codebreaker. Later, she told me that for weeks I'd been missing her elephant-sized hints. Add it to the list of reasons I'd be useless on an African safari.

It's a trope that many men are clueless to the advances of women. As a teenager, I fit squarely in that crowd. I've gotten smarter with age but I'm still not perfect. Reading the room in person is one thing. Reading it over text on dating apps is like trying to decipher Easter Island's Rongorongo scripts.

Going For The Joke

Humor is always listed as one of the top traits women look for. Naturally I do my best to keep things light and comedic. It starts with my profile and extends into conversation. Here, I playfully insinuate that Elise is safe to date because she doesn't listen to true crime podcasts and thus is lacking the proper knowledge to murder me:

Things seem to be going well! It's time to double down. Heighten the joke. Take a chance. She mentioned her mother DOES listen to them. It's a small step to imagine her mother brutally killing me instead. In my hubris, I can't just go for one joke, instead writing two. If a little humor is good, more will be better, right?

Elise does not take this well. Actually, I don't know how she took it because she never responded at all. Maybe it was a step too far, given that I sent it on Mother's Day. Maybe text is too easily misinterpreted without tone. What if she was being serious about her mother while I was joking? Perhaps I'M the one who misread the situation and instead I struck a chord by bringing up the family baggage that her mother actually IS a serial killer.

Whatever the case, the end result is the same. On to the next person. I'm always working to improve my skills, so I came up with an ingenious solution. Voice memos! Surely once someone hears my intonation, it will be clear I'm joking. A foolproof plan that could never fail.

Rick Tries One Voice Memo

Maddi and I had some good rapport going. She was not afraid of typing. I would receive MASSIVE texts over the app. Naturally, in order to hit each of her points, I had to respond with equally large ones. Between the two of us, after only a few exchanges we had the making of a solid novella.

At the time, my mother was visiting from out of town. I told her I'd have more time to do a call/date after that. She said that'd be fine. Meantime, I had a more pressing problem: my frail fingers were tired. Typing a book on an iPhone is exhausting.

So I decided to try the voice message function. I poured a modest helping of my typical Rick charm into it, playing it like a fun bit. That's what I do in real life, so it only makes sense to get the other person acclimated quickly. Her response:

Imagine my voice booming out through rows of packed, silent cubicles like the mating call of a lion. Exactly like that. Just replaced with the vocal cords of a 34 year old white guy committing HARD to the bit. Both of which, I'm told, get ALL the ladies revved up.

Except Maddi. I informed her that I did indeed speak like that somewhat often. I had a feeling she was not properly prepared for it. I was correct. A few messages later, she unmatched. Sigh. Another girl afraid of big commitment. What's a comedian to do?

Better In Person

Lest the world think I'm clueless, I CAN read the dating leaves in person. As proof, I present my first date with a girl named Alice. We had gotten drinks and food and were doing a few laps around Lake Eola in downtown Orlando. As we walked, she strategically drew us to a quiet spot where we could be alone to look at the beautiful lit-up fountain at the lake's center.

I could tell Alice was having fun. Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling her vibes. Some of the conversation from earlier had soured me on her. Externally, I carried on the conversation. Internally, I was racking my mind for a graceful exit strategy. That's when I noticed her leaning toward me expectantly.

She wanted me to go for the kiss. It could not have been more obvious. This is a rough recreation:

I knew this was a terrible idea. I didn't want to kiss her and then let her down after the date. I didn't want to let her down right then because it just seemed unnecessarily cruel. Plus, it's not like she had verbalized she wanted a kiss. I was just reading my context clues. So I resorted back to my number one strategy:

Make more dumb jokes.

A tried and true plan. Luckily the park provided ample material. I simply made quips about the fountain we were staring at. Above, my humor had cockblocked me on accident. This time, it saved me. We were able to wrap up the date in short order. A disappointing end to a real life encounter that seemed so promising over text. In the world of modern dating, that's just how it goes.

Of course, even I'm not always on point in person. In the next edition of As Seen On Dating Apps we'll go over my most hated first date activity: the dreaded coffee date.

Discussion

1. Do you have a funny encounter related to a communication breakdown? Please share! Can be dating or non-dating related.

A Call To Adventure

Real talk - modern work life is BORING. Most of us rush through a morning routine just to spend eight hours sitting at a desk. Our reward? The endless monotony of the email inbox. While there may be a few missives that brighten our day (hi, hoping this is one), it's mostly just garbage.

Still, we’re given few other options for entertainment. Many jobs block social media. And doing actual work just sucks. Which leaves too many of us stuck in yet another conversation with our coworker Alicia about the rising cost of the multiple storage units she uses to stockpile heaps of antique junk she calls a side business but actually acts as an audition tape for the 17th season of Hoarders.

Put it all together and it's enough to make one contemplate the pros of mainlining Bic ink until internal organ failure. Desperate for some kind of office adventure, one day I ventured into my spam folder. Inside, I found this:

A real ransom note! All for little old me. Suddenly, I'm Liam Neeson in Taken. The music quickens and everything in my mind goes blank as the camera captures a close-up of my face changing from boredom to determination. THIS IS EXCITING. Finally something to live for.

I first notice it’s odd that the sender has my same name. Perhaps there's a time loop element here. He could be AlterRick, a version of myself from the future. I'm always a bit unimpressed when the writers add a time angle. Still, it beats another conversation about why storing a dozen used Easter baskets for twenty years in a garage is an "investment." So I dive right in.

The Message

I love the boldness right off the top. Listen pal - I bring enough misery to my own life, thank you very much. I'm not currently taking applications for additional misery causers. It's so un-Zen of you, by the way.

The amount of prep work here would surely qualify him for a mid-level manager position at any generic company. Complete control of all my devices AND correspondence? That's real productivity. I wish I still had this level of drive. Mine drained out years ago. Forget worrying about what he wants. If he's really accomplished this, I want to hire him as a productivity mentor. Teach me, oh wise scammer!

Though I will say, he does seem to have basic facts wrong. I'm single, so there's nobody to cheat on. He's also misread my personality because frankly, I look pretty good naked. Release the photos. I have no fear. Though the masturbation video could be an issue. Do I have an awkward expression on my face? Maybe an out of place grunt? The last thing I need is for people online to criticize my technique. It'd just be embarrassing to be seen as bad at it after having been around 34 years.

I make a mental note to have my blackmailing alter ego clarify what I look like in the video. Assuming it's as bad as he says, I have to wonder: what does he want?

Only $750? That's a pretty low amount. AlterRick is really underselling himself. I guess he’s the same as CurrentRick. Sir - channel your inner Boss Blackmailer! You've got some clutch info here. It's depressing to think that my future self STILL lacks complete self-confidence. Get it together, man! How many more years are we going to live in this perpetual cycle of one step forward, five steps back? Just try to amount to the littlest bit of SOMETHING, would ya please?

Then there's confusion over my allotted response time. The headline said I had only 24 hours to respond but now I'm being told I have 48. To complicate things further, I didn't even see this message until an entire week after I received it. During which time not a single friend came forward mentioning they'd received nude photographs or videos. So either everyone I know is hiding them from me in a vast conspiracy (sorry, I can't afford to pay each of you $750) OR AlterRick just lacks follow through and attention to detail. Which, again, sounds about right.

My Response

I sent him a response detailing all of the above. He never responded. I may never know what happened to him. Maybe he was bluffing. Maybe someone with actual confidence bought them for $750 and is formulating another letter to extort even more money from me. Maybe he decided the videos were so hot he just had to keep them for himself.1

Maybe he truly was desperate for time. My slow response could have been his demise. I shudder to think that AlterRick could've desperately needed the Bitcoin for survival. If the price rose in the future, he could have hatched this plan to get some from the past, where it'd be cheaper. I feel just awful for letting him down.

So this is an apology to my future self. For this and so many other lapses. I know I've really fumbled the ball on many things. I'm going to try and be better, so that you don't have to send emails into the past begging for money. I'm really going to change this time. Promise.2

I'll be kinder, more caring, and compassionate. I'll lend a helping hand, donate to charity, and sacrifice my personal time to uplift others. That way, we can be self-fulfilled and not even need the money. You're all going to be so shocked when I shift the timeline.

I'll even get interested in Alicia's financial strategy for reselling hundreds of ceramic Russian figurines, even though the primary market for them is slowly but surely filling the front pages of the obituary section every day and still they keep piling up and up and now she's needs to buy a third storage unit because she just bought a truckload of rusty alarm clocks from 1932 that are totally going to be worth big bucks if she can just find the time to restore them to their natural beauty by hiring a craftsman to do the work which will eat into her profit margins but it's still worth it to store them all for the next decade and she can prove it if she could just convince her husband NOT to close the additional storage unit because he's just so unsupportive and doesn't understand the larger vision that is her life's work that will go totally uncompleted so that as the eternal hand of time marches inexorably forward she too will one day join the ranks of the obituary column and her children will be left to sort through the cheap knick-knacks she hoarded and eventually sell them all for pennies at an estate sale.

Phew. On second thought, I think I'm just going to keep doing me. Figure your own shit out, AlterRick.

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Zeus

You should leave a comment if

You don't mind a strong man with multiple children and baby mamas. We practice Ethical Non-Monogamy. Wife is totally cool with it. You won't have to worry about a vengeful spouse. Promise!

Together, we could

Father a new member of the pantheon.

The Sirens

Change my mind about

Earplugs. They're ugly and uncomfortable. Please don't show up on our date wearing these. They give me the ick.

Proof I have musical talent

You're invited to my private island to have a listen any time 😘

Narcissus

If loving this is wrong, I don't want to be right

Myself. Self-care is so important in today's world. Honestly, I'm the best.

The best way to ask me out is

Come by my lake and repeatedly Echo the request. I may hear it eventually. Even if I don't, I promise you'll absolutely love the reflections in the water.

Aphrodite

I'm looking for

Commitment. As goddess of fertility, I take my role very seriously. I need someone who's ready to devote himself to being a father. I have eleven children already and am ready for more with the right man.

Worst Idea I've Ever Had

I once bribed a prince to win a Golden Apple. Turns out it set off a chain reaction of events. Even millennia later I'm STILL being blamed for starting the entire Trojan War. 0/10, would not do again.

Helen of Troy

I feel most supported when

The world's two greatest armies battle over me for an entire decade.

I'll brag about you to my friends if

You also have a face that could launch a thousand ships.

Odysseus

Best Travel Story

I once spent ten years cruising the Mediterranean. I saw a Cyclops, heard the song of the Sirens, and met a real nymph on the Isle of Ogygia. And that's barely half of it. It was truly an odyssey.

One thing I'll never do again

Leave home. Local matches only please!

Atlas

My greatest strength

Shoulders and lats. Ask about my PR on the overhead press!

Typical Sunday

Holding up the sky. I never get a day off. Together we could gaze at its captivating blues and ponder the wisdom of defying the divine order.

Hercules

My Love Language is

Acts of Service. I'm known round the world for my dedication in performing the Twelve Labours. My ideal partner will be just as driven to atone for the murder of their own spouse.

A random fact I love is

You can burn the neck of a Hydra to prevent regeneration of its heads. Who knew?!

Hades

I won't shut up about

My dog, a lovable 3-headed pup named Cerberus. He's the bestest boy and just loves running around all day preventing the escape of damned souls. Bonus points if the first date includes pup cups!

What if I told you that

My Underworld isn't JUST for the damned. The ordinary and blessed are also welcome in the Asphodel Meadows and Elysian Fields. Don't believe the Christian propaganda!

Charon, River Styx Boatman

I know the best spot in town for

Scenic river boat cruises.

Let's make sure we're on the same page about

Leaving an obol in the mouth of your deceased relative as payment for afterlife services.

Icarus

I'll fall for you if

The sun melts the wax holding together my wings. It won't though. I totally got this. We should fly together sometime :)

My cry-in-the-car song is

Flight of Icarus by Iron Maiden

Pandora

Weirdest gift I've given or received

A box. Given with strict instructions never to open it. Gifts are meant to be opened. So I did. It contained all of humanity's disease, death and sorrow. Worst. Birthday. Ever.

Let's debate this topic

I shut the box before humanity's hope leaked out. Does that mean I saved it and gave everyone the will to endure hardships OR that it's sealed from mankind entirely and we're all perpetually expecting relief that will never come? Cute first date debate!

Medusa

My self-care routine is

Allowing my snake hair to molt four times per year. It's critical to keep them fresh and lustrous!

I bet you can't

Beat me in a staring contest.

The Harpies

I want someone who

Can see the real beauty hidden behind my matted hair, sharp teeth, and stench of decay.

Green flags I look out for

Your favorite hobby is snatching away misbehaving mortals to torment.

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This piece was one of my favorites to write, to the point I keep considering expanding it into a short book (perhaps with some other mythologies thrown in). If you’re a Substack writer, share one of your favorite pieces below! If you’re just a reader, I’d love feedback on whether you enjoyed it or if the references were a bit too obscure (turns out, not everyone has a large working knowledge of Greek mythology).

I’m choosing not to heavily edit the posts and instead let them live as a ‘time capsule’ of sorts. I’ll include occasional commentary in italics from present-Rick, who’s much more experienced in the modern dating-verse than at the start. Now, we can re-watch my evolution together. It’s all a journey or something…

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A Master of Flirtation

She spun around in slow-motion, blonde hair shimmering in the afternoon light atop the hill. Everything about her was graceful and perfect. As she turned to call my name, she smiled. Missing a few teeth, but hey, we were in Kindergarten - exceptions can be made.

She was my first crush. We’ll call her Anna, mostly because I don’t remember her actual name. Which, as we all know, is the hallmark of a deep and everlasting love. I knew in my little underdeveloped heart that this would be one for the ages. Romeo and Juliet. Jack and Rose. Rick and Anna.

We were on a class field trip to a nearby farm. Lame but it’s one of the only options in rural Pennsylvania. It also seemed like the perfect spot to show Anna how much I liked her. My plan was foolproof. Even at such a young age, I just knew my love language was physical touch. So I took the only option that would properly convey my affection.

I pushed her down the massive hill we were standing on.

It was a hell of a shove. I’d put forth all the force my tiny five-year-old body could muster, like an outside linebacker sacking the quarterback. A technically sound, picture perfect rush. For her part, Anna rolled all the way to the bottom, her affection presumably rising with each rotation.

I stood at the top, eagerly awaiting another slow-motion turn. This time, however, her head whipped around. She was crying and hysterical. I was extremely confused. My father, a chaperone on the trip, rushed to intervene. I was “in trouble”.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. Namely, that women, in fact, do NOT like being pushed down hills. A critical bit of enlightenment in my early education. Turns out, I still had a lot experience to gain on my journey to truly understanding what it is that attracts the opposite gender.

Which brings us to our present moment. On modern dating apps, it’s basically a requirement that the man initiates the conversation. Since I can’t do my signature hill push move over text, I’m left with only my humorous personality. Luckily, I’m told it’s my most attractive trait.

So this week we’ll examine my convo game and open the comments up for feedback on what I could be doing better.

Loving All Forms of H2O

This girl’s bio said she enjoyed “any activity involving water.” Naturally, I had the perfect opener:

Obviously the most important thing to establish with any potential romantic partner is their position on the atrocities at Abu Ghraib and other black cell US intelligence sites. Unfortunately, we haven’t matched. I’m sure she just hasn’t logged in lately. There’s still hope!

A Sight For Sore Eyes

One girl’s bio said she was an optometrist, a profession I’ve had some troubling history with. I knew it was the perfect topic to relate to her (people love talking about their jobs):

I’m all for female empowerment. What better way to show that than by boldly stating I’m afraid of her? I’m sure this point would not be lost on her and that she, too, hasn’t logged in to read my opening line. It’s a shame how many people lose their passwords every day. Not to worry though! I found ANOTHER optometrist and had a chance to try a different opener:

Sure, I could use my health insurance and go get checked. Do I really need to though? Due to the requirements of the Hippocratic Oath, she would be morally obligated to tell me if my extended avoidance of optometrists is life-threatening. Since she hasn’t said anything, I can only assume I’m perfectly healthy and can continue skipping my check-ups.

Food Opinions

Next up is this match sitting in a weird chair (something that’s oddly common amongst women’s profile pictures):

So initially she was into the conversation. A total winner of an opener. Unfortunately, she too dropped off after this. I don’t know if it’s because I insulted Dairy Queen or if she’s just not into onion rings. Really though, who wants to be with someone who can’t appreciate a solid, crunchy onion ring? Not me. Next:

If discovering their stance on torture is the #1 key to a successful relationship, their views on cereal is probably #2. I am a very outspoken advocate for eating cereal completely dry. A view that all my friends already drag me for and one I expect to catch more heat on in the comments. Like Winston Churchill and the brave citizens of Britain in WWII, I stand by my conviction.

My Red Flags

Of course, as I continue engaging in conversations on these apps, I learn more and more about myself. For example, this match helped me discover some red flags I was unaware of:

I never knew that forgoing emojis was sending up red flags to my potential soulmate. There’s just nobody out here teaching these things. Another thing I was unaware of is the existence of scallion pancakes, my second strike with this match. After I confessed I’d never eaten boba, she decided she’d had enough and canceled our pending date, saying I was “not cultured enough”.1

In closing, I am left bewildered. How has one of these lines not resulted in eternal love yet? Dear reader, I do not know. Just baffling. Honestly, maybe it’s because there are no hills in Florida. I bet if I just gave that strategy another shot it would work for sure.

Comment

1. Do you have a go-to pickup line or story about one that’s been used on you to great success (or spectacular failure)?

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Obviously we're disappointed by the outcome of the battle. I'm not going to make excuses for how the Mordor Orcs performed. I take full responsibility for our collective battle plan. We tip our helmets to the men of the White City. That said, here in Mordor, we do not run away from adversity - we run toward it.

We do not live in our fears. We're aware of the heightened stakes for this week's matchup at the Black Gates and remain committed to our next orc up philosophy. We still have 60,000 strong troops eager to fight in defense of their homeland. We're excited about that and the opportunity we have to show the world why we're the best.

Questions?

Reporter: Coach, do you have an injury update on the Witch King of Angmar?

The Witch King is currently undergoing our standard medical protocols. We do not have a status update on the severity of his injury at this time. He's a competitor and we know he'll do everything he can to get back onto the field. We're optimistic that by the next engagement he'll be able to reconstitute into his corporeal form.

Obviously he brings a component to warfare that isn't easily replaced. However we're excited to see the other eight Nazgûl step up in his absence and show us that they can contribute to our collective effort.

Reporter: The Ride of the Rohirrim was the turning point of the battle. Why weren't the hordes of Mordor more prepared to repel a cavalry charge?

I haven't had the chance to review the tape yet. I know we had oliphaunts, cave trolls and spearmen available. The incident stems from a busted coverage by our ally, Saruman. I'm not going to speculate on what he or we could have done better. Excuses are the tools of the incompetent.

Reporter: Can you comment on the contribution of the Haradrim to the battle?

The standard is the standard in Mordor. I'm sorry to say the Haradrim performed below the line. At the end of the day, it is what it is. We're not going to make excuses.

Reporter: The men of Harad were your biggest free agency signing but only have a one year contract. Do you anticipate pursuing them again this offseason?

I won't comment on contract matters in-season.

Reporter: Coach Sauron, how do you feel about the inclusion of the Dead Men of Dunharrow in the battle?

Obviously their advent near the end of the battle, when we clearly had the upper hand, is highly questionable. We're not sure how they were so quickly granted an emergency roster exemption. It's an issue I'm not going to speculate on here. I will simply say that we are in contact with the Valar in the league office and hope to receive their divine wisdom soon.

Reporter: How do you feel now that it's clear the race of men has found their new King?

We do not care.

Reporter: How can you just not care? The Host of the West currently has the White Wizard and a returned King of Men. Meanwhile, you are lacking many of your star players. How are you planning on taking your injury riddled roster and winning a major engagement?

Look, we're not going to get stuck in the minutiae. The race of men is weak. They've always been weak. At the end of the day, we're in the business of darkness and corruption. Our track record speaks for itself. This King will fall just like his predecessor Isildur.

No further questions at this time. As always, I'd like to end by reminding the public that we're offering eternal life as a spectral figure to anyone with information leading to the finding of the One Ring. It is precious to us.

Comment

1. We all know the Lord of the Rings movies are some of the greatest films of all time. Which is your favorite and why?

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I am referring, naturally, to the announcement that the Choco Taco was being discontinued.

For the uninitiated, a Choco Taco is a divine fusion of crisp wafer and velvety chocolate ice cream. Nestled within this cocoa-kissed embrace are roasted peanuts, crowned by a drizzle of caramel. A serenade to the senses, a Choco Taco is not just a confection but a celestial experience that lingers as a sweet and joyous memory.

I could write ten thousand words about these tacos but it is more illustrative to just show a picture:

Note the unbridled joy on my face as I consumed my final Choco Taco a few weeks after the announcement. It was a blistering beach day with friends in July. A random ice cream vendor came wandering down the sand and somehow still had them in stock. He was blissfully unaware that they could be sold online for $100 a piece. I bought one, a final goodbye to a beloved childhood treat. A more fitting funeral for a mass produced confectionary can hardly be imagined.

Except OOOPS, JK JK, RICK'S BEEN PUUUUNKED!!!

Because now, nothing's ever really gone. In this age of remakes, reboots, spin-offs and sequels, it's only logical that the Choco Taco is returning. It's the Dalai Lama of desserts, reborn for another spin around the Wheel of Life. And why not? In modern America, NOTHING is ever final anymore.

Mean Girls, Ghostbusters, Road House, Star Trek and Wars, Harry Potter, E.T., Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, Avatar, Aladdin, Toy Story, Lion King, Mulan, The Little Mermaid, Cruella (okay, just all of Disney), and superhero movies ad infinitum. There is no franchise spared, no intellectual property left un-optioned. Quality notwithstanding.

Even Twister, the corny 90's disaster film, came back last summer. Totally unnecessary. The original Twister sits upon an indisputable throne of nostalgia. The trailers played constantly on TV, terrorizing six-year-old Rick into believing a tornado would murder me at any moment. This despite living in the rural mountains of Pennsyltuckey.

Once, an awful rainstorm struck a campground my family was staying at. I screamed bloody murder at my father, blaming him for putting us where a tornado could so easily end our lives, begging for him to save me. Finally, he loaded me into his Ford F-150 and we drove directly through the storm for an hour. Which was somehow more comforting to my young self than just sitting in the camper.

Another core family memory cheapened by a half-assed remake.

Now, the idyllic moment of consuming my final Choco Taco is disrupted. Thrown into chaos by the Return of the Choco. Alternative working titles: Choco's Revenge, The Choco Taco Strikes Back, Choco Taco: Into Darkness, Choco 2: Chocolate Boogaloo, 2 Choco 2 Taco, Choco Forever After, and The Dark Choco.

I was at peace and happy with my final tasting. Hell, later that week I even had a dream where I got MARRIED because of the Choco Taco. Could this be the answer to my love life woes? The dream was light on specifics (my new wife was pretty) but it was very clear that my romantic fulfillment was due to the Choco Taco. Maybe this contented version of me actually exists in an alternate reality universe.

It can’t in this one though because finality is dead.

We're all doomed to relive our memories as corporations cynically repackage our nostalgia and serve it up to us like we're bloated diners in a Golden Corral. What am I supposed to do with the knowledge the Taco is returning? Go to a Taco Bell every week this thing is in stock and buy one or two or three, eating them in some dumpy fast food store with poor lighting and irritated staff members who just want me to go home so they can clean up and close the seating area? But I can't leave because now I'm sobbing and rolling around on the floor, desperate for a human connection to anything, even if it's just the childhood memories of a simpler time, and the only thing that can provide it is the chocolate nectar pouring forth from a taco-shaped waffle cone. And then, through my watery, tear-consumed vision, in walks the most beautiful woman in the world. She, too, has come for the nostalgic vibes. And the kitchen staff gets pissed because the dining room is supposed to be closed already, but we lock eyes and time stops as our meet cute bends the very fabric of existence, turning dream to reality. We then share a Choco Taco, eating it from opposing sides, meeting in the middle for the fabled first kiss on the way to our indomitable, multiverse-spanning love story.

Woah. That actually sounds pretty awesome. I bet we could get at least a trilogy out of that.

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1. Do you also long for the return of the Choco Taco or are you normal?

2. What do you think your Multiverse Self is up to?

I’m choosing not to heavily edit the posts and instead let them live as a ‘time capsule’ of sorts. I’ll include occasional commentary in italics from present-Rick, who’s much more experienced in the modern dating-verse than at the start. Now, we can re-watch my evolution together. It’s all a journey or something…

Last time we covered my profile creation. Today, we descend into the modern dating app landscape, which is roughly analogous to Dante’s Second Circle of Hell.

For the uninformed, it’s important to understand two common tropes about the apps:

1. If you’re a female, you will be utterly inundated with thirsty guys messaging you around the clock.

2. Most men have profiles that can best be described as “utter garbage.” Shirtless flexes, posing with fish, cars, or guns, and little to no actual information. Not to mention the emotional unavailability.

Which is to say, if you’re a reader who’s never had to go hunting on the internet to find love, consider yourself lucky. I am not lucky. It’s okay though - my ill luck makes for your entertainment.

Today, we’re going to check out a few of the clichés I’ve noticed in the ladies’ profiles. First though, let’s start with an update on how my previously posted profile is being received.

An Update On My Profile

Look, I don’t want to say it’s a TSwift level mega hit, but judging by the reactions, I’m solidly in Smash Mouth territory. Frankly, being a one-hit wonder is better than nothing at all.

Turns out, putting in the slightest bit of effort will make you stand out from the crowd. Who could’ve figured that? Here’s a collage with some of the best reactions:

Yes, there are people who have had such negative experiences with other Ricks that they can’t bring themselves to date anyone with the name, but will still go out of their way to tell me how 🔥 my profile is. This, my friends, is what they call a “good sign”.

But enough about how awesome I am.1 Let’s move on to the first external profiles to grace my phone’s seductive screen.

Meatballs and Gravy

Meatballs and GRAVY?!? That's your best dish??? Come the fuck on. Hamburger Helper is a heavier lift than that.

It’s not even a full entreé. It’s a side to one. You can’t go to a real restaurant like Texas Roadhouse and order meatballs and gravy - they’ll laugh you out of the building. I’m sorry, even if you pair it with mashed potatoes, it’s still a minor league player dreaming of being called up to the MLB. I don’t think even a piss poor establishment like Chili’s would have this on the menu.

And this is proudly displayed on your dating profile? Some people truly do live in a world of delusion.

Contrast Ms. Meatballs with this answer:

Hell yeah. Now we’re talking. I have no clue what either of these dishes are and I’m not going to research them before posting. They sound fancy and complicated. I bet they involve more effort than rolling ground beef chuck into balls and placing them into the oven. Ladies, this is the kind of answer I’m hunting for.

Coffee Is Not A Personality Trait

Telling me you drink coffee is about as interesting as letting me know you have all ten of your fingers. And apparently, it’s so front of mind for the female population that EVERYONE feels the need to put it in their profile. All of the screengrabs above were taken from my first two days on the app. I had to stop snapping them because there were so many I could’ve filled a 500 page scrapbook.

I don’t drink coffee, but nearly 73% of the population does. This tells me nothing about you other than if you don’t get your caffeine fix on any particular morning, you will likely be grumpy. Irritable is generally not an impression you want to broadcast and the cute ☕️ emoji isn’t fixing that.

Nobody Cares You Like Sleep

On the opposite end of the caffeinated crowd are the people who must constantly mention they love to sleep and take naps.

BREAKING NEWS - we all enjoy sleeping!

Unless someone is actively consuming methamphetamine or cocaine, they are pretty much always down for a bit of shut eye.

Please, for the love of my sanity, find something more interesting to write in your bio. Listing sleeping as one of your favorite hobbies is like eating a burnt bakery scone that's been rolled around in sand for an hour - it's so fucking dry I want to cut my tongue off to keep from talking to you.

Just once, I’d love to match with one of these sleep fanatics and quiz them. Do you have an Oura ring? Sleep on a temperature controlled mattress? Don't tell me you like sleep if you don’t tape specialty 100% blackout curtains to the wall to ensure not a single ray of light finds its way inside. Don’t tell me you like to sleep if you haven’t been hooked into 22 different wires for an overnight stay in a hospital sleep lab. Because I’ve done that THREE TIMES and I still can’t sleep because the doctor says I’m a broken human being.

Yes, I'm gatekeeping sleep. Amateur hour is over.

The Adventure Continues

Trust me when I say - we’re just scratching the surface of the modern landscape. I haven’t even touched all the women who want to talk about travel in their profiles (because it’s so cliché ugggghhh) Turns out, Tom Petty sang, “love is a long road,” for so very many solid reasons.

In our next installment, we’ll visit a lesson learned from my very first love interest and how my romantic past could help to inform my dating present. present dating strategy.

Comment

1. If you had to pick a dish to cook for your own dating profile, what would it be and how much more awesome is it than meatballs and gravy?

Look no further than the new Lodge LCC3 Pre-Seasoned Cast-Iron Combo Cooker. Forged in the hellfire of Satan's very own abode of the damned, this pan is America's #1 choice for kindling a fall from grace right in the comfort of your own kitchen.

ELICIT PRIDE

Nothing is more American than building. One glance at the vast concrete jungle we’ve constructed across the continent swells the viewer with gratification. Use this pan to build your own home, swinging it down like the wicked hammer of justice it is. It can pummel approximately 100 nails per swing, assuming a circular distribution pattern.

EVOKE ENVY

After building your dream house, the jealousy of your neighbors is only beginning. Bedazzle thousands more poor, uneducated rubes by showcasing your amateur cooking skills and fancy pan on the population seducing platforms of Instagram and TikTok.

PROVOKE WRATH

Defend your property from the covetous hordes. This skillet is so new, that its black surface hasn't yet been marred by the freshly gored brains of a burglar.

Our brand guarantee: If Kevin McAllister's parents had purchased a Lodge, Joe Pesci wouldn't have made it 5 minutes inside that house before his mushy brains were decorating their overpriced carpet.

AROUSE LUST

Leaving your new home to experience life's charnel delights? Don't forget to bring us along. This cast iron can be worn as a hat for protection. No matter which direction the winds of fate send you, channel your inner Johnny Appleseed and travel America sowing your seed.

EMBRACE SLOTH

Like the overweight hordes of America itself, this skillet is hefty. Forged from cast iron, it has the durability of an old Civil War era battleship. With enough time and use, you too can expand your girth to the point where friends and family will be referring to you as Old Ironsides.

IGNITE GREED

Purchase of this pan is a pact, the cost of which far exceeds the $54.90 list price. Your avarice for its many boons will cost you more than a soul. As payment, this pan must be coddled more delicately than a Chiefs fan after a single missed ref call. Forgo a proper portion of olive oil once and it will rust away before your eyes. Hours of perusing online forums for advice will yield only conflicting, arbitrary tips and tales. Buyer beware.

EMBODY GLUTTONY

This pan can also be used to cook food.

Comment

1. Are you one of my readers that enjoys the audio voiceover? Trying to gauge the popularity OR if there’s something I could add to enhance that portion.

2. I used a prototype of this article to try and sell the pan and nobody inquired about it. Are people just boring now?

3. I gave the pan to charity already BUT if I hadn’t, would you have bought it from me? (you can say yes, this is just for validation so my therapist can say I’m doing good).

"I WOULD TOTALLY COME OVER AND SAY HI BUT, THE ROW!!"

I shouted this across an auditorium, at some poor acquaintances I only vaguely knew. As it turns out, doing this during a show will garner you a few stares. Luckily, I retained the social tact to wait until intermission before performing my version of the Dean Scream (Rick Shriek?).

Even so, I did stand out amongst the people seated in the balcony.

Listen, it's very important you understand I had no choice. I was seated at the end of the row. They were all the way in the center. There were people seated in between us. I couldn't just go over and say hello without having to stand directly in front of the other seated strangers. Making small talk is painful enough without standing with your crotch at eye level of an innocent witness.

This is what I was up against:

Their reaction was roughly akin to Frodo's when the screech of a stalking Nazgûl lights up the night. That is, abject terror at the weirdo quasi-acquaintance attempting to make contact like an untrained alien dropped into Earthling society.

The two of them acknowledged by returning a polite head nod and wave. It should be noted that we had already done the polite head nod/wave bit after spotting each other at the start of the show.

Apparently they just weren't ready to take our relationship to the "scream at each other across crowded public events" level.

Which is a real shame because I was TRYING to network with them. It's always been a particularly weak skill of mine. I figured this would be a fine time to work on it. And boy, oh boy, was I giving it the old college try.

In hindsight, I've yet to read a "Six Tips To Networking Better" article that contains the sage advice, "Loudly yell at your prospective target before closing in, like an elephant announcing its intent to approach a watering hole."

The Maladroit Middle

As the show resumed, I realized that this interaction was, in fact, awkward. I'm confident that at least half the row was staring at me while the performers returned to the stage, rather than the actual comedy show. I consider it a bit of extra bang for their buck. I hope they were satisfied.

I knew I would need to be much smoother and cooler when I sauntered up after the show. I internally began pressuring myself to conjure small talk topics. The solution was obvious: the show itself. The Second City was on stage, putting up a variety of different comedy sketches. Perfect. If I could just remember ONE sketch I liked, that's all I really needed.

The flaw in this plan: whenever I watch a comedy show, I instantly forget 99% of what happened about five seconds after it ends. I don't know why this is. Often, I sit there TRYING to remember a great moment so that I can compliment a friend who is in the show, and I still can't do it. I'm like the world's dumbest deer, continually walking into an electric fence and never realizing that I can simply go around.

Between the residual embarrassment of the shriek, focusing on memorizing a moment, and still trying to enjoy the show in front of me, I had a pretty busy second half just sitting in my chair.

Afterward, I waited as the other patrons filed out, clearing room for my crotch to occupy unobstructed. I made my approach, inwardly feeling focused like a tiger hunting its prey, outwardly presenting more like Tigger. I had the PERFECT opening question already queued up.

All my research on how to network and make small talk had led me up to this moment. I wasn't about to squander it with some WEAK ASS question. I let it loose with the ferocity of the first rifle volley at the Battle of Lexington, a shot heard round the auditorium:

"Hey, how'd you like the show?"

Boom. Crushed it. Just fucking nailed it. Rising to the moment like Jordan in the Finals. Likely in awe of my flawless question, they commented briefly on the choreography and lighting, both of which were on point. Then, the unthinkable happened. They asked a question of me.

"What did YOU think of the show?"

What did I think? Little ole me? What a FANTASTIC question. Frankly, it seemed a bit derivative of my earlier interrogative, but they were free to use it since I hadn't had time to file for a trademark yet. In that moment, my thought process was roughly:

Oh shit, oh fuck. Quick quick, I got this. What was that scene I really enjoyed? It's already been one whole second, dude! RESPOND FASTER! WHAT THE HELL WAS IT THOUGH??? QUICK, NAME JUST ONE THING THAT HAPPENED IN THE SHOW. LITERALLY ANYTHING. YOU'RE STILL NOT TALKING OUT LOUD?!?! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, TO DIE OF OLD AGE?? YOU DUMBASS THAT WILL NEVER WORK.

"Uh, it was great."

Yeah. Real slick, Rick. An enlightening take for the ages. The show featuring Second City, one of the premier sketch comedy groups in the country, was well done. If anyone from over there is reading, feel free to use my picture and quote me on your marketing materials. I doubt a more glowing review would even be possible.

After that, the discussion sank like an anchor. Like desperate sailors, we were all working hard just to plug the holes in this leaky ship of a conversation. Internally, I was already sunk. Cold ocean water was rushing up to embrace me. Like a barnacle though, I latched onto them as we all filed out of the theater together.

A Floundering Finish

Outside, there were a few other people from the local comedy scene who'd seen the show from the main floor. These new mariners on the Boat of Awkwardness quickly helped patch things up. After a few minutes, it was time for everyone to go their separate ways. I asked if anyone had any shows coming up and everyone listed their dates.

As I said goodbye, one of the two initial conversation targets stuck his hand out to shake. My fine motor skills managed this flawlessly. An ace of a moment by me, proving definitively I could interact like a normal person. As I began to spin away and walk victoriously off into the sunset, my eyes glanced down to the hand of the other acquaintance, stuck firmly in his own pocket.

But was it really SOLIDLY in there? Did I spy, perhaps, maybe the slightest bit of movement there during my triumphant turn? By now, I was already facing the other direction. However, sensing a pending faux pas, I knew I had to go back in. So I just continued my movement, pirouetting all the way around like a clumsy ballerina and delivering this gem:

"Oh, did you want to shake?"

During a brief moment of eye contact, I could see him conducting the calculus on whether it'd just be easier to shove his hands in his mouth and bite them off. Instead, he chose to take it out and shake my clumsily extended appendage. I then pivoted again, only 180 degrees this time, and wandered off to contemplate my entire life.

To reiterate: I DID A FULL 360 DEGREE SPIN MOVE AND MADE THIS GUY PULL HIS HAND OUT OF HIS POCKET AND SHAKE MINE.

And he actually did it. I got my hand shake. So really, that makes ME the alpha dog of the whole situation. I bent the world to my will, in the dumbest way possible. The Boat of Awkwardness has got a new Captain now, and you're looking at him.

ICYMI

Last week I got a piece published in Slackjaw titled, “Greek Mythological Figures Answer Modern Dating Prompts.” You can check it out at that link. If you love it, let me know! I’m considering expanding upon it because I enjoyed writing it so much.

COMMENT

1. What is your networking horror story?

2. Maybe you’re fantastic at networking - how do you do it? Please leave some charm for the rest of us.

3. I published this note on how to reinvent my professional persona last week after an upheaval at my current job. If you’ve got any advice on that front, I’d love to hear it.

Leave a comment

I’m choosing not to heavily edit the posts and instead let them live as a ‘time capsule’ of sorts. I’ll include occasional commentary in italics from present-Rick, who’s much more experienced in the modern dating-verse than at the start. Now, we can re-watch my evolution together. It’s all a journey or something…

The McRib. Fashion. Jesus.

What do all these things have in common? They come back for a limited time only.

You can now add Orlando’s #1 Bachelor™, Rick (that’s me), to the list.

That’s right - I have re-entered the dating market. After years away, it is finally time to re-open the process for external applicants. It’s been a long road. Frankly though, for the right candidate, this position could easily turn into a DREAM relationship.

Of course, what does every returning product need? An advertising campaign. Otherwise how will people know that they can purchase BBQ pork sandwiches or that there’s a guy trapped in a cave and he’d really appreciate having the entrance boulder moved?

That’s why today I’m excited to announce a new series covering my modern dating experience:

Today we’re covering my own profile. Given the competitive, impersonal nature of modern dating apps, I knew I’d have to craft my presentation. A Rick pitch deck, if you will. Since it’s important to take advantage of other verticals outside the apps, aka organic word-of-mouth marketing, I am presenting my pitch documents to you today. I hope that the buzz generated leads to a kiss from one of Cupid’s many arrows.

So in conclusion, we have rave reviews, a cute guy and plenty of trademark humor. That certainly sounds like a winning recipe in the dating cookbook if I’ve ever heard one.

How well will it perform on these apps? I’ll be sure to keep you updated. (Spoiler from the editor: It is extremely well received, people compliment it constantly. To the guys - don’t try to copy it. I promise you’re not that funny and I’ve really got a good thing going here. Don’t go ruin it by trying to mass-produce charm.)

Additionally, it’s the perfect time for me to be single. That is because, dear reader, Ana De Armas is officially single:

That’s why it’s integral we get the word out about my profile. The best way to do that is to share this article far and wide. Tell your friends and get them subscribed today. The only way to truly reach Ana (or someone else) is a groundswell of conversation. I thank you for all of your support.

Share

I’m going to get published!

This Friday, I’ll be getting my first piece published in Slackjaw, a humor publication.The title is “Greek Mythological Figures Answer Dating Prompts.” It’s a fun one with perspectives from Zeus, Hercules, Hades and more.

I don’t want to overload your inbox by sending out more emails but it is super helpful to get readers on the piece the day it drops so the algorithms that rule us put it in front of more eyeballs. If you’d like to read it when it drops, I’ll be sharing it on Substack Notes, Bluesky, and my IG stories. I’ll probably include a link in the next edition as well.

Comment:

1. If Ana’s now taken, is there somebody else you think I should aim for?

2. How long has it been since you were Rick Rolled? Wasn’t it kinda refreshing?

3. Thoughts on the profile? Predictions for what happens next in the series? I’m all ears.

Leave a comment

Heyyyyy. Did you miss me? Think about me every day? Long to see my byline at the top of your inbox? Or did you forget about me completely? Put me out of your memory like a bad relationship? Secretly hope you'd never hear from me again?

Whether your dreams or nightmares have come true, I'm happy to see everyone again!

2024 was a wild one. I continued a rocky recovery from a hernia surgery and injured ankle, exited a long-term relationship that wasn't working, got hit by a car, re-entered the dating scene (ugh), almost relaunched this newsletter twice, went through a roller coaster of mental health ups and downs, and somehow still found time to get twelve different haircuts.

Despite not publishing anything, I managed to network enough to get my subscriber count from 41 all the way to 100. Triple digits. I did this mostly by joining a writing group on Substack where I hardly ever attended live sessions and by guilting friends into signing up on my birthday. True professional writer activities.

All of this means that the majority of people here are receiving their first email ever from me. To refresh your memory, this is a plucky little humor newsletter where I share personal stories, satire, and other comedic writing. For those familiar with the way things were before, I've made a few changes to the frequency and format going forward.

I'm going to publish this newsletter twice per month to start. Every other week on Wednesdays. The goal here is to set a sustainable pace and keep quality high. Long-time subscribers will recall a "Funny Things" column that I also did. I am putting that on hold for the time being to focus on the writing.

To that end, I've already written a fair amount of articles and have more in the works. For once, I am AHEAD of my publishing schedule, rather than scrambling weekly. Here's a preview of some upcoming pieces:

As Seen On Dating Apps

Modern dating is Thunderdome, the Fury Road, and the Roman Gladiatorial Arena all rolled into one. If you're out there, you know; if you've been off the market for a long time, buckle up. We're going to dive in from my online profile creation, initial observations of the scene, and my experience regaining my atrophied dating sea legs. From coffee meetups to speed dating, we'll be covering the full modern dating experience. I even have a series logo:

Personal Essays

Humorous stories from across my life, now featuring extra emotional vulnerability because I've...grown as a person? We'll take a look at my awful networking encounters, run through what it's like to work in the news industry during a Category 5 hurricane, and even put my journalism degree to use launching an investigation into a mysterious company. What kind of shady activities are they up to? You'll have to stay tuned to find out.

Satire

Satirical, off-the-wall, and unhinged. It’s one of my favorite categories to write and trust me - you’ll know it when you see it. We'll hear from common kitchen appliances, attend a press conference hosted by the Dark Lord, and finally exact some revenge on these greedy streaming companies.

Rising Like A Phoenix From The Stovetop

This is a big relaunch of the entire Finding Wit’s End brand. In addition to writing, I may also dabble in other mediums like audio and video. Both are so hot right now, and I want to be hot too. I plan to make the article voiceover above a weekly feature. If you’re an audio person, there’s usually a few little performance nuggets I can throw in that just don’t work on the written page.

If you're here, I hope you'll stick around. I'm excited to build a community together and share some laughs and stories with each other. We're a tenuous 100 strong now but I am hopeful that things will only grow from here.

Remember: If just one person leaves, I'll be back to double digits and all the other writers will make fun of me. There are some major bullies in the cafeteria. Don't support bullies. We also can't forget that my aforementioned ex is still on this mailing list. I figure I've got at least 50/50 odds she unsubscribes right now. Or already did at the beginning.

So if you have a friend who might enjoy this, there’s never a better time to bring them aboard to offset the potential losses. I made this fancy button JUST so you can share this post:

Share

Liking, commenting and sharing a piece are the BEST ways to support the publication. It helps improve visibility on the Substack network and I truly appreciate every single one!

Comment Prompts

1. How the hell is everyone?

2. Are your plans for 2025 going well so far?

3. Is there a particular teaser from up above you’re looking forward to reading?

4. Say one dark truth you’ve been hiding from everyone in your life. Or anything else you please. This is an equal opportunity comment section.

Leave a comment

Enjoy Laughter? You’re In The Right Place

Satire, personal essays, and other assorted humor delivered by semi-pro court jester Rick McClelland.

Why Read

Statistic: 95% of emails absolutely suck. That’s real, they’ve done studies, you can look it up. I bet your inbox is full of garbage RIGHT NOW. You don’t need another calendar invite from your boss or sales email from Amazon. You need fun. Hell, I think you deserve it.

Forget about “inbox zero” and instead light up with anticipation when you see an incoming email from ME, your best buddy Rick (we are buddies right? Please. We have to be. My therapist says I really need this.)

At Finding Wit’s End, we live in the other 5%. The awesome 5%. The 5% you want to keep around. Maybe even marry someday.

This newsletter is my quest to locate the limits of comedy and bring all my misadventures finding it to you. If it were a racehorse, people would say, “he loves the slop” and “his mother was a mudder” - which are both extremely flattering things to say about them, btw.

What You Get

Finding Wit’s End is one email every other week, delivered on Wednesdays. Perfect for the mid-week blues. If you’re a math person, that adds up to two per month.

They’ll typically be a short comedic article, personal essay, original sketch/video content, or a list of links to other bits of hilarity from across the vast reaches of the Internet. Imagine me like a comedic caveman, creating and hunting the very best content to roast over an open flame with you.

Want To Laugh NOW? Start Here

🍪 Coronation of a New King: Oatmeal Raisin - Bow down before him

🇺🇸 How I Saved America - An adventure through the interwebs to find Black Friday deals

🎂 33 Lessons For My 33rd Birthday - The word "Lessons" is doing a lot of work there BUT there's definitely 33 numbered items

More About Rick

• I perform improv comedy and dabble in other forms and also work as a storyteller, videographer, and editor.

• I still have my tonsils - yes, I’m one of those “tonsil people” you hear about

• I’ve been absolutely crushing an active daily tooth brushing streak for 34 years and counting

• I can sing every word to Eminem’s ‘Til I Collapse’ on command no matter what state my brain is in at the time

• One time I won an Emmy and learned that the only place I can talk about it is on About pages. I even wrote about how difficult it is to naturally work into conversations at parties without sounding pretentious. So now I just mention it on pages like this where I can’t see people roll their eyes at me. I still feel you doing it though. Nobody made you read this far, y’know. I put this at the very bottom for a reason. This is as much on you as it is me.

1 - Family Vloggers on Christmas

@itsjennaluand it gets like 5 million views🤳🏻 #familyvloggers #christmas #momtok #familyvlog #momsoftiktok #influencer #satire #comedy

Tiktok failed to load.

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Christmas is now over so I’ve got to shoehorn in this saved funny holiday content before it becomes dated in January. I’ve never been at one of these family vlogger houses for a holiday or even any other occasion but I bet this isn’t THAT far off the reality. I base that off my experience knowing a few other creators.

2 - The TWIST on this one…

Whatever you think is going to happen in this video, you are wrong. I could give you 1,000 guesses and I’m confident you wouldn’t even come close. Not even on if your own life depended on it. Just watch it.

3 - Practicing Ways to Deny Annual Raises

Just a quick-hitting little sketch. Hits all the right notes, has all the angles on the topic, and earns its place on this list.

4 - Burnt Christmas Tree

A hilarious satirical look back at the worst attack in New York’s history. Fuck that Christmas tree and fuck Fox News though. That is all.

5 - Trying to Find the Worst Horror Movie

Okay, this one’s a pretty long video essay but it’s hilarious. Drew Gooden always delivers the goods and the movies he found here are really something. Highly recommend, it’s as good as any episode of TV or whatever else you were going to put on.

5 Funny Things

1 - When She’s In The Mood

Short sketch, cute girl, and Lord of the Rings references. I mean….what more could you even ask for?

2 - The Mistletoasters

I’m not a big holiday fan, but I’ll do my part to contribute to the ambiance. If you’ve got a ceiling outlet, may I humbly recommend purchasing an additional toaster to hang from it this holiday season?

3 - Rainn Wilson on the Office vs. SNL

Classic SNL Monologue done here by Rainn and the cast. If you’re an Office fan, you’ll enjoy this short video. This linked version skips right to the good part.

4 - Falling in Love in Movies vs. Real Life

Including this one because my parents are always asking if I’ve met the right girl yet and I thought maybe this would help elucidate for them the trials and pitfalls of modern dating.

5 - “Holly Jolly Christmas” Meets “Get Low” by Lil Jon

I told you I’d get you in the Christmas spirit, so may I will leave you with this new, stirring rendition of Holly Jolly Christmas joining with Get Low. It is beautiful and perfect and almost puts me in a holiday spirit. Almost.

As I scrolled through my notes, hoping for a glimmer of inspiration to strike and magically turn into a full-fledged article in my mind, I was left empty-handed. And it’s Tuesday and the deadline for this is tomorrow and that’s a problem and I didn’t really write one last week either so of course everyone reading is judging me and probably thinks I’m just another failure and maybe they aren’t wrong but hey, I’m an improviser, surely I can think of something.

So I did.

What follows is just a series of random, unformed thoughts, observations, and ramblings from my notes. Comedians often ask each other, “Is this anything?” when testing new material. They’re trying to see what works, what stands out, what might be able to be expanded upon. Some of it is garbage. Some of it is gold.

So today, I’m gonna just paste in some of these things from my notes. Maybe you’ll chuckle, maybe they’ll be duds, maybe you’ll think something is really genius and you’ll have even more ideas on how to expand and make an article on it, in which case you should totally reply and let me know which concepts are working for you and which aren’t and maybe I can write something on it.

Okay, enough introductions, here we go:

• Aren't we all under the weather? Except people in airplanes or in space? Weather's always above you.

• How come when I put on no-show socks, my socks still show from my shoes? Am I the only one this is happening to? What the fuck? I just buy normal socks and they aren’t working right??

• Every day, somebody in the world takes the biggest shit that day. The daily record. And we have no way to track this. It's almost inexcusable how much pointless technology we've built and yet nobody has ever tackled this problem.

• Did you ever notice how many different types of bags there are? Paper bags, plastic bags, handbags, book bags, old bags, douchebags, scumbag, dirtbag, ballbag. What is the obsession with bags? I bagged that girl. It’s everywhere.

• Nobody ever sings metal at karaoke.

• What is old people's fascination with fucking cursive?? They act like writing in cursive is the equivalent of landing a spaceship on Mars and our entire generation is too fucking dumb to ever handle it. I swear I have heard old people non-ironically bring up this cursive thing soooo many times. I learned how to write cursive in school - it's not that difficult. But I never write it. You know why? Because it's fucking stupid and pointless.

  • Nobody cares! I am just so tired of hearing about cursive. Cursive will die with you and your generation and y'know what - we're all going to be a hell of a lot happier when it does. I can't WAIT to never hear about cursive again.

• I have a friend who always texts in lowercase letters. What is that? The phones do it for you automatically. It's not like it's something you have to think about or burden yourself with. What are you, too good for punctuation? Think you're above the rest of us now? CAPITALIZE YOUR FUCKING SENTENCES!

• When a couple in the friend group breaks up. Now their relationship issues aren't just between them. It's everybody's business now. It creates a lot of unneeded stress and drama for everyone else. Nobody asked to be involved in your thing! Stay together. Be miserable for the rest of us. You're both just so selfish, breaking up with each other and foisting your problems on the rest of us. We've had it!

• Some of these are starting to sound pretty good but I’m on a deadline and I don’t have time. What’s the deal with deadlines? Why is it called a deadline? Is a deadline supposed to be a person? Is that why we “meet” deadlines? Does someone die if we miss a deadline? I definitely haven’t died for missing one, and thousands of college students get away with the crime as well. IS someone else dying when we miss one? That would royally suck. A literal dead line could be a row of graves. Or all of your ancestors and your family tree. Or even just a line-up of these guys:

Today though, a deadline is just something I hit. Just like I used to hit pieces of plywood with throwing axes. Boom, done, that’s a newsletter. See everyone next week.

3 Funny Things

1 - Billionaire Reverses Aging (NSFW)

If you’re into reading about health trends and what not, you may have at some point stumbled across an article about Bryan Johnson, a rich billionaire who’s trying to reverse aging by doing a bunch of wild things. Including injecting blood transfusions from his own son. This video is a hilarious take on another unique route the aspiring Dracula-wannabe may want to try out.

2 - DeSantis Inner Monologue

It’s no secret: Ron DeSantis fucking blows. What an absolute tool of a human being. Not only politically, but also just as a normal person. So I’ll take any opportunity to share any and all content mocking this ignorant jackass and today (as usual), The Daily Show delivers.

3 - Dad Joke

I didn’t know there was an ideal way to react to your son being involved in a car wreck. Probably because I’m not yet a dad. However, this is obviously the perfect way and I now feel more prepared if I ever become a dad.

Five Funny Things

1 - Conan Learns Korean

You can never go wrong with Conan. This clip is from one of his traveling shows, Conan Without Borders, where they go and visit other countries to highlight the culture and just generally get into hi jinx. I’ve seen them all by this point but if you haven’t there is an entire Youtube rabbit hole just waiting for you.

2 - Reading Moms

Fun little sketch here about the moms in our life who read so fast it’s impossible to know whether they’ve truly absorbed any portions of the story or not.

3 - Mom’s Christmas Gift

I’m awful at buying gifts for people. It seems like someone asking for you to be happy would be an easy gift to give because you could just lie (many of us do it every day when people ask, “how are you?”) but then I’m also a pretty terrible liar so….no easy way out here.

4 - Dinner Party

No notes on this one, it’s *chef’s kiss*

5 - Good Man But…

…does anyone know what husband energy is? This girl seems to be choosing to go to battle and helping out the enemy by shooting her own foot with weirdo standards and expectations. A lovely little commentary on modern dating. I know my parents both read this so….do you get it a little more now?

Don’t worry, I saved it in the end (spoiler alert). I understand that most people were unaware of the danger. How close we were to the edge. The brink of destruction. The breadth and depth of the threat is difficult to even comprehend. To try and put it into words is a task that nearly eludes me. Nevertheless, I will do my best to tell the tale. 

The peril began on Black Friday. The most important day of the year in the life of an American. A day where everyone unites to practice America’s most important religion: buyin’ shit. No day better epitomizes American consumer culture. It’s been a mainstay of the country for my entire life. The mission is always clear: buy more things. After all, as Americans, if we can’t get a Black Friday discount, what is this all even for?  

I was warned away from this year’s celebrations. Fellow writer told me not to get involved. I did not listen. I was prideful. I was full of hubris. I was certain I was the chosen one, destined to find the best deals. I was certain that he was wrong. I knew I was different and special, just like my mother had always told me. 

My confidence seemed warranted. Not to brag, but last year I totally crushed Black Friday. I pulverized, mashed, and squashed so many deals you would’ve thought I was working at a lemonade stand, making juice by hand. 

I bought a gigantic new TV, doubling the size of my home’s largest screen from 30 inches to a whopping 60 (size definitely matters here). I got a fancy new Nintendo and a bunch of discounted Zelda games to distract me from everything else in life (not hard, I would’ve been distracted anyway).  I got a heavily discounted fancy media storage device to streamline my movie and TV binging habit (ooops, that’s another distraction). Not to mention all the other cool things I probably bought but don’t quite remember. I’m sure they’ve been totally useful and worth it and nothing could ever be wrong with buying things because this is America, right??

The point is 2022 Black Friday was a banner year. The Dark Knight of Black Fridays. I knew if I just entered with a plan and executed it, this year would be no different. The dream of America would live on. 

First up on the list was expanding my wardrobe. I’ve been looking to expand beyond just jeans in my casual-formal settings. I knew a pair of chinos is exactly what I needed. After extensive research (reading one single style blog), I landed on the pair that would completely clinch my whole identity as a “cool guy”: 

Drunk on my prior success, I gleefully loaded them into my cart without reading anything else on the page. After all, I had the discount promo code. What could possibly go wrong? Uhhhh turns out everything?? Because the page wasn’t accepting the promo code saying it’s not valid??? What is happening???? How many question marks do I need to convey just how confused I was?????? Anyway, after heading back and forth, I finally saw this: 

The pants were too iconic. So mind-bendingly awesome that they were impervious to any sale. Even the granddaddy of all sales days could do nothing to reduce their price. Price reductions were reserved for lesser colors like Caper and Dusty Blue, colors I knew I had no business pulling off. The model in the ad, who I’m naming Todd, suddenly morphed from looking like a chill dude I’d definitely hang out with to cruelly mocking me.

Todd DGAF. He wore those chinos so smugly. He knew I’d never be like him without them. Every moment I spent on the website was torture. I frantically searched for other coupon codes online, grasping at anything to save even a single dollar. It was full price or it was nothing. Todd’s iconic pant power was too much for a gangly simpleton like me to overcome. I felt like Batman in The Dark Knight Rises, fighting impotently against Bane just to stay alive. 

I was deterred, a bit broken, but I knew Batman always won through in the end. There was still time for a purchase to change my life. I knew a bicycle would do just the trick. I could easily envision my new, fitness-oriented lifestyle. Riding down local trails, basking in the Florida sun, getting shredded quads that would make all the ladies in my path swoon so I’d have to practice swerving around them, leading to even more shredded quads and then more swooning ladies. The classic bike to quad god to ladies man flywheel, accelerating with every stroke of the pedal. How could I have overlooked it for so long? The answer to all my problems was simple: get a bike. 

There was only one bike that would do. I knew I needed the Batch Bicycles 700C Lifestyle Bike. It was listed on a ton of review sites as the best entry-level road bike on a budget. Apparently bikes are, and this is true, expensive as shit. I was genuinely shocked that they cost so much when I began looking. I don’t know how my parents ever let me ride my bike around town without living in a constant state of anxiety that I’d break it and the ensuing replacement would leave us penniless, punching stray cats to compete for dumpster scraps.

So imagine my delight when I found the Chosen Bike at a whopping 50% off:

I was excited to see that it also came with free shipping. Free shipping can be hard to find when wandering the internet outside of Amazon. It made sense though. Bikes are pretty easy to send from one place to another. That’s their entire function. So it was a simple feat to imagine it being rolled into the back of a truck. Hell, they even have little kickstands to keep them upright. 

Surely there were hoards of other shoppers clamoring to get this bike delivered to them. I rushed to get through the checkout before the deal evaporated and someone like Todd could beat me to the punch. Imagine my utter shock when I was met with shipping charges that cost more than the bike. 

I didn’t understand. How could this happen to me? It was very clear that shipping was made to be free, just like America. Yet here I was, being held at the online shopping equivalent of gunpoint. Desperate, I tried to enlist a Robin to my Batman. I demanded to speak to a manager (the online chat function). Surely there was a mistake.

I was greeted by Sean D. As it turns out, the D stands for “Don’tImagineForEvenASecondYou’reGonnaGetThisBikeForTheStatedPrice”. Which is a pretty long last name if you ask me.

As you can see, I caved immediately. I knew there was nothing Sean could do. He couldn’t help me stand up to Todd. He couldn’t save Black Friday like Rudolph saved Christmas. He and I were merely minuscule grains of sand, blowing in the eternal winds of the Sahara Desert, unable to shape our own destinies. Subject to the whims of the bicycle store shipping policy, doomed to suffer defeat after defeat in search of justice. On this Black Friday, it seemed there was no justice left in all the world.

I found the bike available on another site, but by then it was too late. The dream was shattered. It was nearly full price. I couldn’t stomach getting a measly 15% off the purchase price when I’d already seen it discounted so heavily.

I was vanquished. Stuck in the part of Dark Knight Rises where Batman just lives in a giant hole with a weird society of hole people (what was up with that, btw? Nobody could figure a way out of there? Nobody normal ever stumbled upon the hole people and told any authorities? When the guards of the hole came home, what did they tell their spouses they did for work? Surely someone would have a conscience and speak up about it?? I’m just saying, it was odd.)

I could see the light above me but I could not stand in it. I was a broken man. Destined to live in darkness. In my desperation, I crawled back to Amazon. I was jonesing for any sort of deal, like a street addict injecting dirty, used needles, praying that even a drop of heroin might be left inside.

It was there that I glimpsed Salvation. It was already sitting in my cart, beckoning for me, exactly like Forrest Gump waited all those years for Jenny to come back around.

The blackout curtains I’d been looking at the week before. Marked down 50%. A total savings of $19.99. A measly sum at any other time. But to a thirst-wracked man lost in a desert of fully-priced merchandise, it was the most beautiful thing I ever could have seen. 

I purchased them on sight. No questions asked. High on the quick fix of a deal, my mind was already formulating the perfect scheme for the curtains. Most people would simply hang them. I had other plans. I knew they were the perfect object to vanquish my nemesis, Todd. No longer would he taunt me in his finely tailored outfit. It was I who would have the last laugh as I smothered him in my fairly-priced, cheaply-made curtain.

What have we learned here today? We’ve learned that Good can still conquer Evil. That Justice in the universe is still possible. That Todd was kind of a dick. That I’ll still never look as cool as he does. That you can still find a deal in this country, if you’re willing to settle. That settling is maybe okay? This last one seems pretty iffy, I don’t know about it. You probably shouldn’t settle in life but maybe on Black Friday it’s okay because if you just settle for the shitty deal you’re technically saving the American economy and that makes you a hero and then you can tell other people about it and call your house a home base, since that’s where heroes live.

So for at least another year, Black Friday, and thus America, has been saved. You’re all welcome.

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3 Funny Things

1 - What If Kid’s Drawings Came To Life

This is a somewhat terrifying look at children’s artwork come to life. Kids are pretty awful at drawing and I feel kind of bad for some of these Frankenstein-esque animals, even though they don’t really exist. There’s a small chance though that by creating them here this guy also created them in some time-hole in the multiverse, so maybe they really do exist in some alternate fucked up reality. If you want to feel awful about all the misshapen animals with me, click through to view the full gallery.

2 - Iliza Shlesinger with a message to Gen Z

@ilizasMillennials walked on Instagram so Gen Z could run on TikTok 🏃‍♀️ #standup #genz #millennial #eldermillennial

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Is it possible for a single video to unite two generations? If so, I hope it is this one. It’s straight facts from beginning to end here. Don’t be like Todd, Gen Z, we all want to be friends with you. You will, as everyone older always says, understand when you get to be this age.

3 - Mom + Christmas

Presented without comment because I’m tired of typing.

I’m here to tell you today: your plan sucks. It’s holding you back.  

Okay, okay, nobody likes to be told something they’re invested in sucks. I’ll take a -3 to my Persuasion check here (hello, DnD nerds). All I ask is that you consider the possibility while I explain. 

Too often we construct goals in our minds - they shine like distant lighthouses in a storm. We believe they’re giving us direction but in truth, they are the reason we continue to meander in the dark. We’re so fixated on the faraway lighthouse that we fall off the side of the boat focusing on it. We define ourselves by our goals, not realizing they are the things preventing us from embarking on a new path. 

I speak from experience. 

For most of my twenties, my self-worth and plans were tied up in being a videographer and editor. I worked in local news and that requires one thing above all others: speed. If my editing skills were transferred to gunslinging, I could pick up a Colt 1851 Navy revolver and give Wyatt Earp a run for his money. 

Truth is, I fucking hated those jobs. On my way into work, I would make the final turn, and the canopy of the oak trees lining the road would separate, revealing the looming specter of the station’s broadcast tower. On my worst days, the sight of it caused me to scream in rage and frustration. 

I can say this with a 100% Accuracy Guarantee: If you want to become a more cynical person, local news is the career move for you. 

Always in my mind the broadcast tower was juxtaposed with a lighthouse: starting my own business. 

I worked hard at it in my limited spare time. I filmed weddings, corporate events, testimonials - whatever would make me a positive cash flow. Even after I pivoted to a new job that didn’t have me screaming into my car’s steering wheel, I kept trying to jam the square peg into the round hole.  

I’ve paid thousands of dollars for several high-quality online business courses over the years. One of them took place during Covid lockdown and had me speaking with a fellow student, a British lady named Heather. We were discussing things we missed during lockdown and I was waxing poetic about how much I enjoyed performing improv comedy. She said something I haven’t forgotten since:

“Having the gift to make people laugh is a special thing. You should lean into that.”

Bass drop, record scratch, bomb explosion. 

I wish I could say I recognized the impact of that insight and immediately followed it. Life is messy though, so naturally I paid for another course later that year in a desperate gambit to finally make this business thing work.

Luckily, that statement kept bouncing around inside my mind like a game of Pong. The emotions it provoked in me were real. They weren’t going away. Ever so slowly, I started to live Heather’s lesson. By early 2021, I finally came to a familiar realization:

I thought it would be harder to release the emotional baggage and sunk costs that went into building the business. Truth is, it was effortless. It was freeing. It felt right. My brain was just catching up to where my heart already was. 

In the years since, I’ve expanded my comedy repertoire. I now take comedy classes instead of business ones. I’ve experimented with other forms like stand-up. Mostly, I just ignore lighthouses and allow myself to wander whatever path seems promising. Without that shift, I doubt I’d be writing this at all. 

Serendipity happened for me on that Zoom call. My comedic pursuits may not go anywhere huge and honestly: I no longer care. 

Good news: the same pivot is available to you.

Colonel Sanders didn’t start sprinkling those 11 herbs and spices onto deep fried poultry until he was in his 60’s. Julia Child wrote her first cookbook in her 40’s. Hollywood abounds with previously unknown actors who now grace the cover of People.

It is definitely harder to find your way after turning from the comforting illumination provided by the planning lighthouse. In the end, that’s what makes it so rewarding. Keep your eyes open. You might just stumble upon some serendipity of your own. 

I reiterate: your plan sucks. It’s holding you back. You would be freer without it.

3 Funny Things

1 - Frank Reynolds in The Last of Us

WARNING - CONTAINS MINOR LAST OF US SPOILERS. If you watched Last of Us on HBO last year and thought to yourself, “Why isn’t Danny DeVito in this??” - boy do I have the solution for you. I’ve never played the game but if you watched the show you’ll have no issues recognizing the different scenes they put him in.

2 - The Personality Hire

Fun skit here revolving around that workplace hire we ALL seem to have. The one who can convince anyone to do anything.

3 - Florida’s New License Plates

Graphic design is the passion of many people and this girl is no exception. Looking at the license plates in Florida is pretty boring and this is just what the doctor ordered to spice up the long daily commute suffered by so many.

What really IS a quest though? Luckily someone made a little book called, and I’m told this is true, a “dictionary” that has all the answers. They even took one and put it on the internet so I could find the answer faster (again, another true fact). This is what it told me:

A quest is a journey toward a specific mission or a goal. It serves as a plot device in mythology and fiction: a difficult journey towards a goal, often symbolic or allegorical. Tales of quests figure prominently in the folklore of every nation and ethnic culture.

This is a pretty grand description. Many big, important words. Mythology, symbolic, allegorical, prominently, folklore, a. You might not think just “a'' is a super important word, but look at how many times it’s in those three sentences. I know we all forget about her a lot and honestly, her self-esteem has been pretty low lately. So everyone just say out loud, “We appreciate you, Mrs. A,” and hopefully things will get better for her, cause right now she just really has to sneeze:

ANYWAY, you may also notice that they left nonfiction off the list. I don’t know if that’s just an oversight or editing issue but I’m here to add it in. Because this is a (mostly) nonfiction publication. And I’d really like to go on a quest. So I think I’m just going to start delineating my life into different quests like a role-playing game, where you have main quests and side quests. 

For example, one time I went to Quest Diagnostics to get my blood drawn. Then I passed out on the nurses and hit my head on the wall. Once I woke up, they gave me apple juice and let me drive home in my totally safe state on the totally safe, nothing bad ever happens here, roads (again, all true). That may not seem like much BUT it has “Quest” right in the name soooo it has to count as at least a side quest. 

Another time in college I valiantly fought off a vicious, killer bat who had infiltrated my apartment. Okay, so I just captured and released it. BUT most superheroes let their villains live to fight another day, just so they have something to do again. So it was still pretty heroic. I even saved a damsel in distress (my girlfriend at the time). Granted, we had to get rabies shots afterward because you’re supposed to keep the bat so they can test it. BUT that’s just part of the overall quest, getting large shots injected directly into our legs and then going back several times for the booster shots. No self-respecting quest story can just end without a little bit at the end about the hero’s life afterward. Definitely main quest energy here. 

That’s already a lot of adventure for one life and it’s just two little stories. Both of which oddly involve medical settings. I didn’t set out to find adventure in those moments, however. The adventure just found me. The truth is, I’m not as adventurous as I’d like to be. 

One time, a girl I was flirting with asked me to rate how adventurous I was on a scale of 1-10. It felt like an odd question, as if I was filling out a survey for the Census Bureau. I figured next up were the other standby questions: what’s your adjusted gross income, are there any additional people living in your apartment, and how much are you prepared to spend on a date because I’m not the kind of girl who likes to split the check?

I just answered 5. Right down the middle. I knew she was aiming for a higher answer. I also knew I didn’t go on many of what she would consider adventures: brunch, strawberry picking in the autumn, and loud music festivals for lame artists with overbearing light shows. I mean, they have strawberries right in the supermarket, why would I want to pay EXTRA to pick my own?? 

Anywho, that rating still rings true today. I’d really like to get some more adventure going though. Maybe pump that 5 all the way up to a 5.5 or even a 6. Absolutely wild times could be right around the corner. So I’d like to officially announce:

I’m embarking on a trading quest.

For the unfamiliar, a trading quest is where you start off with one object and continue trading it until you decide to stop. You may have heard of the red paperclip quest before. That’s where a guy named Kyle Macdonald started with a red paperclip and eventually traded up for an entire house. This all happened back in 2005-2006, so I’m sure today he’d probably need at least TWO paperclips to get to the house, given inflation and all. 

Another example comes from the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time video game. A masterpiece of a game that people still love today. The main character, Link, begins with a single egg and trades his way up to a Biggoron’s Sword. Which is just a fancy name for a really big sword. Excellent for killing bad guys, a little less wieldy when buttering the morning toast. 

I don’t have a particular end goal in mind for my trading quest. I don’t expect I’ll end up with a house or a giant sword. Mostly, I’d just like to use the quest as an opportunity to write more and leverage it all as an excuse to meet new people and trade for cool objects. To that end, I do know what I’d like to start with. This cute lil guy:

Everyone, meet Darby the Duck. He’s an adorable mini rubber ducky looking for a new home. His primary function is to look super cute and brighten everyone’s mood. He also squeaks when you squeeze him because he has a little opening right where I guess a real duck’s asshole would be? I don’t know and I’m not looking it up. 

(I’m kind of tempted to look it up though because what if I just put a giant picture of a duck’s anus right here? The shock factor alone would get some attention. I bet there’s only like 3 articles on the whole internet featuring a duck’s chocolate starfish. No Rick, this is a bad idea. You should delete this aside. Why would you even tell people you were contemplating it? And now you’re arguing with yourself in the middle of the post? This is just weird. Delete it. Stop typing more…) 

Let’s just focus on how cute Darby is instead. He’s got the classic orange beak, a white feathered stomach (it’s flat cause he’s rubber though), a classic set of puppy dog eyes even though he’s a duck, and protruding pink rabbit-like ears (very odd for a duck). Plus he has the squeak box and you’ll never sleep at night if you’re squeaking it, so it’s just like that The Who song. 

I’m open to any and all interesting trade offers for Darby. I’m only considering bartering for other items. Cash simply won’t do unless you want to trade like a million dollars for him. I normally wouldn’t compromise a serious quest like that but he told me that would be totally cool with him. I have to respect his wishes in this. 

I’m not sure what avenues I’ll explore for trading yet. Here on Substack, social media, Craigslist, trades from readers - who knows. I might do all of it or none of it. I do expect this quest to take awhile and I’m not living on any sort of timeline, so I’m hoping to periodically provide small updates in these posts. 

In the meantime, I have officially added it to my quest list. My parents are definitely both rolling their eyes right now and internally screaming, “WHAT IS THIS STUPID DUCK? YOU’RE AN ONLY CHILD. OUR FAMILY LINE IS IN DANGER. CAN YOU PLEASE JUST FINISH THE MAIN QUEST OF GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING GRANDCHILDREN???”

And it’s like, woah guys, you’re internally screaming really loud because I’m a thousand miles away and I can still hear you. Don’t sweat it, I’m totally going to get around to the main quest once I wrap up all the smaller stuff. After all, I’m only 33 and this whole adventure thing is really just getting started.

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3 Funny Things

1 - Work Wife Sketch

What if we took the term work wife literally? This video has all the answers.

2 - New Streaming Service Dropped

I know everyone is tired of getting the run-around with these streaming services. Now, you can cut right to the chase and get the price increases you’ve been dying to have in your life.

3 - How to Live Forever

Fun commentary article I read this week about the human obsession with living longer. Click the picture to check it out for yourself.

That means I am finally a real, full-on adult. That may seem late, but according to hobbit society, 33 is the official age of adulthood. At 6’1” I’m a bit tall for a hobbit but given that I’ve yet to accomplish so many adult “goals” I figure what the hell, it sounds pretty good to me. I’ve always been a big Bilbo fan.

There’s been a shift in the air around me lately and I can just feel good things starting to happen. It feels like the kind of year for an epic quest. The tagline of this newsletter is going on a journey to Find Wit’s End and that seems like a pretty heroic pursuit to me. It’s the perfect time to double down on this whole writing thing. My mental state can be summed up like this:

So I’m not entirely clear on what the destination looks like but I do know this: journeys get pretty lonely by yourself. So I’m putting together a fellowship to join me and guess what? You’re INVITED!

I’ve got the perfect thing to kick off this new stage too: the yearly birthday listicle. It seems like every online writer eventually does some kind of “33 lessons on my 33rd birthday” article. I think it’s a way to appear more wise, or at the very least, have something to write where you aren’t obligated to connect all the ideas together. A writer cheat code, if you will. 

So here’s what I got for you. A mix of lessons learned, opinions, jokes, and just plain old ranting. Combine them all together and you have an accurate looking glass into my life and personality as I sit here basking in my thirty-threeness.

1. Nachos improve any event. Weddings, work meetings, funerals - I don’t understand why nachos aren’t a staple at all of these. They empirically improve every single function where they’re present. I’m tired of going places that don’t have them. Everyone needs to get it together.

2. 2+2 definitely equals 4. I’m tired of people trying to be edgy and say things like 2+2=5. It’s a stupid example and you’re not some unique thinker on par with Aristotle. I’m also tired of hearing about giving 110%. Go drink your trendy seagull milk and stop trying to converse with me.

3. Dogs are the best. You should have one around as often as possible. If I had the money right now, I’d definitely have a dog. 

4. Bidets are awesome. They are also extremely cheap and Americans are all unwashed fools for not using them. Just buy one, stop living like it’s 1612. I know you might be scared of taking such a big leap with your butthole, but don’t worry: I wrote you a how-to guide. 

5. Ditto high-speed rail. Trains are pretty cool and I can barely take one anywhere on a regular basis? How am I supposed to take a midnight train and meet a new love interest if there is no midnight train?? Modern society is a joke. 

6. People who litter should be jailed. I mean this wholeheartedly. If you litter, you really suck and you’re definitely not invited on this quest. Please don’t subscribe, you are the worst kind of person. It would be karmic justice if you choked on your breakfast tomorrow. 

7. More people who suck: anyone who leaves the water running while they’re brushing their teeth. Again, what a complete waste! WHY is there no option on dating apps to filter these people out? It’s egregious. 

8. You need to floss. If I was Baz Luhrmann, my inspirational song would be The Floss Song. Forget the sunscreen. I floss twice a day. Apparently, a lot of people don’t even do it ONCE?? What the hell is wrong with you people? You’re so gross. 

9. BOGO tequila is an awful idea. Even if your nickname is Tequila Rick. This is a trap to end all traps and the store doing the special is particularly evil. It will end poorly. You have been warned. 

10. Tornadoes and quicksand aren’t very common.  These were two of my biggest fears growing up. Despite living in the mountains of Pennsylvania, I was utterly terrified due to the popularity of the movie Twister. I have still never experienced either of these phenomena but remain hyper vigilant for no good reason. 

11. Oatmeal Raisin is truly the best kind of cookie. If you protest, you’re wrong. Sorry, I do make the rules, and they say you have terrible taste. Long live King Oatric!

12. Being an only child has advantages and disadvantages. The best part is probably that all of the gifts under the Christmas tree are for you. The downside is that you’ll definitely need some therapy later in life but hey - still got that awesome Fisher Price castle set all to myself. 

13. It’s a long way to the top, even if you don’t wanna rock and roll. Sometimes it seems like the top is just a mirage someone is projecting in order to keep everyone orderly and buying more cheap products. 

14. You can’t always get what you want. And really, the word SOMETIMES does a lot of work in the rest of that lyric. A lot of people don’t even get what they really need. A decent percentage might not even know what they really need. (It’s flossing. They need to floss.)

15. Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me. They were so right. The world has taken many a W at my expense. Probably yours too. Don’t worry - every once in a while there’s an upset. 

16. Seinfeld is the best show ever. Again, no room for debate on this one, sorry. If you’re a diehard Friends fan, again, there just isn’t room for you in this cool kids club. 

17. Working in TV news blows. If I could offer one tip to every person going to school for “Digital Media” or something similar, it’d be: Get the hell away from TV news. It’s a slowly dying industry that will suck your soul as it pulls you into its vortex. Go there only if absolutely desperate and get out at the first available opportunity. 

18. Winning an Emmy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Awards are fleeting. Getting to the top isn’t always that great because the moment of achievement passes by pretty quickly and leaves you wondering what use a little gold statue really is. More thoughts on all of that here. 

19. A fantastic way to pad out a list like this is to just write whatever you want. Remember: no one can stop you (wow, that was pretty inspirational). 

20. A word on people’s pregnancies. If someone reveals they’re pregnant, you should NOT respond with, “Yeah, I kind of thought so.” Even though you were totally right and will naturally want credit for your superior powers of foresight AND you successfully resisted the rookie mistake of asking outright, you will still get in trouble for it. I learned this lesson just one month ago. It’s okay though - I’m way wiser now that I’ve actually hit 33. 

21. If a friend has a boat, it will be an accurate barometer of who’s a true friend to them. Most boats are pretty small, so there will only be room for the best of the best. You’ll know where you stand based on the invite list. Not sure if your spouse really loves you? Try buying them a boat and then see if they invite you on it.

22. You can expect people to show up to support your hobbies once, mayyybee twice. Whatever you do in life (improv, roller derby, paint weird drawings on barns), any half-decent friend can be convinced to come out one time. After that, you’re expecting a lot. Unless the person is your parents or you’re actively having sex with them (the other person, not your parents, wtf?), don’t expect them to return for at least a year or two. 

23. Pursue unproductive fun. Not everything is a skill that has to be mastered. Sometimes, you can just do something for the sake of doing it. I promise, you really can let go. Nobody is keeping a scorecard of your life and is going to hold you to it later on. More on all of that here. 

24. Never drive in a hurricane and watch football simultaneously. I know that seems ultra specific but…it happens to real people. At least one of those real people writes a silly comedy column online. If you don’t listen to this one, you will end up hitting high water, flooding your engine, and having a car payment. Again. Right after you just paid off the old one.

25. Once your car is paid off, drive it into the ground. Stop buying new cars when the one you have is fine or just needs a grand in repairs. Save your money and do something cool instead. Cars are lame.

26. Long lists are hard to make in a short period of time. Imagine that: if you don’t work on something and instead try to cram it all in at the end, it’s harder. This is probably a key lesson on procrastination. I wouldn’t know though because I haven’t gotten around to thinking about it. 

27. I’m paying attention. I always hear it said that you can go about your business and do whatever - that nobody is really paying attention to you. Most often, it’s said in reference to the gym. This is simply not true. Like Santa Claus, I am always paying attention. And judging. And probably trying to think of a way to write about it. I just want you to know that. 

28. No matter how minor the surgery seems, it’s going to suck. Finger repair, endoscopic nose surgery, umbilical hernia - it’s going to be super annoying and take exactly the amount of time the doctor says to recover. You won’t recover faster, even if you think you’re special and awesome and totally gonna beat the estimates. Sorry, that’s just the way it goes. 

29. Similarly, cursing loudly in the post-surgical unit is frowned upon. Even if the nurse totally promised you a freeze pop and then reneged on the deal. They will kick you out ahead of schedule. Apparently, those nurses will then spread the word to future nurses, who will also be rude and force you to call your ride five separate times in a twenty minute span, all while you’re still in an anesthetic haze. 

30. Cheaters usually do prosper. A lot of bad people cheat all the time. They get away with it too. I’m a pretty decent person and I cheat at Uno every chance I get. Imagine what the truly motivated folks are getting away with. 

31. When in doubt, take a nap. I don’t understand why the siesta isn’t a thing everywhere. Okay, I do - it’s because America’s insane work culture blows. I’m just saying, it should be here and someone oughta be running for president on this platform.

32. Life doesn’t have to be that complicated. There’s a fantastic George Carlin joke where he succinctly describes daily life as, “You get up, you go to work, you eat three meals, you take one good shit, and you go back to bed.” I wish I could achieve that level of simplicity and satisfaction. Alas, it seems as humans we are doomed to constantly want more than just the bare essentials and equally as doomed to not get many of them. Which brings us to our final point:

33. You can’t win em all. And sometimes, you can’t win any. So it goes. 

3 Funny Things

1 - Rick After Surgery

I know I wrote about having hernia surgery but this video is actually a throwback to five years ago when I had to have septum and endoscopic nasal surgery. I wasn’t very drugged up after the hernia one, so no funny moments were to be had. This one is a classic though. Apologies for the poor quality as I’ve lost track of the original file.

2 - Alcoholic broken up with for being too honest

Just a quality crowd-work clip from Stavvy here. The 26 year old getting roasted sounds concerningly like I did at that age. It’s a good thing I’m so much wiser now so that I can look down on people like that and judge them instead.

3 - Madagascar Goes Hard

One of those “adult goals” I’ve missed the mark on so far is having kids. Trust me, I have no regrets about that. It’s clear though I’m missing out on some quality content in these kid’s movies because this is objectively hilarious. Click through to watch the video.