Arkalvariatox Your Raltervia

Embrace the Chaos of Possibility

I made up a new word:

Arkalvariatox

Did you know you could do that? I even gave it a definition. Arkalvariatox means that you have the power to make things up, even new words. I don’t really know how to use it in a sentence, other than the previous one I wrote. So if you’re in the Scripps National Spelling Bee and this comes up, I’m sorry about that. I guess it’s a verb, but who really gives a shit. Just give it a shot, kid. 

Live look at the kid asked to spell a brand new word

Seriously, you can write anything you want and put it on the internet. They barely even try to stop you. I know this is true because I’m doing it right now. What’s even crazier is that this applies to every part of life. 

Right now, you could take an apple pie, smear it all over your body, and just sit on the couch and watch Succession. Then, you can take that same couch, throw it into a pool, and wash it with your laundry soap. Maybe drink some tequila mixed in spaghetti sauce while you do it. That’ll probably help you explain the situation to the neighbors. 

Smear apple pie on your body while reclined on your submerged couch and you, too, could have the freedom this man feels

Hey, if you don’t have time for all that right now, save it for the weekend. We all need weekend plans and this is, for sure, something you’ve NEVER done before. Put it on Instagram, give your friends something to talk about. Nobody, other than maybe some lameass security guard or cop, is gonna tell you to stop. And really, they just don’t get you. 

Branch out. Try something new. 

All these laws, structures, the entire society - it’s all just a veneer covering the true chaos of the universe. Sure, it’s a nice veneer, pearly white and matching the rest of your teeth. It keeps things orderly. It sure does get predictable and boring sometimes though. Luckily, the ole cosmos gave us all another gift: free will. THAT is the fun part. 

That’s the apple pie smeared chest part. If you’re bald, tape a bunch of grass to your head and see what people say. This could change the trajectory of your entire life. Maybe smear some chapstick on your feet and tell people it wards off malignant spirits. At least if they’re looking at your feet, they won’t notice your bald head any more. I’m a solutions guy - you’re welcome. 

These are just some of the excellent ideas floating around the electrified meatball inside my skull.

I know it sounds like you might need permission to do these things, especially because the chapstick label doesn’t mention feet AT ALL (big oversight). You seriously don’t need it though. You can do ANY of them right now. Or, and this is important, anything that YOUR OWN electric meatball has come up with. 

Honestly, if yours functions with just a little less chaos than mine, you probably have all sorts of great ideas. Places to go, things to do, people to meet. I know it might not seem like you’re able to do whatever but you pretty much can. Ready yourself to toss the couch into the pool, like a bunch of dumb frat guys at the end of the semester. At least give whatever’s on your mind a shot. Doing so might just gift you a raltervia. Oh yeah, I did it again. A raltervia is a really fulfilled, awesome life. 

So get out there and arkalvariatox your raltervia. 

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3 Funny Things

1 - Tim Robinson in "Millionaire's Room"

This is an excellent bit of improvisation/sketch from Tim Robinson and Second City. Just a lot of fun to watch each part build atop the previous as Tim takes members from the audience and brings them into the show damn near flawlessly. If you haven’t seen his sketch show I Think You Should Leave on Netflix, it should be at the top of your watch list as well.

2 - School Milk Cartons

School is starting up again here in Florida and this bit really took me back. The frustration of those little cardboard milk containers in school was real.

3 - Forgotten Birthday

Feel like you didn’t get enough notifications on your birthday? Now, if this designer can just get hired at Facebook, you’ll have a simple and efficient way to track down the “friends” who dared skip out on congratulations. A cardinal sin that is on par with infidelity. Hopefully it includes a simple way to message blast them all to call them out.