As Seen On Dating Apps #2
Judging dating app clichés
Author’s note: This dating series was written over the course of the past year (2024). True to my procrastinating nature, I’m just publishing it now. Part #1 in the series can be found here.
I’m choosing not to heavily edit the posts and instead let them live as a ‘time capsule’ of sorts. I’ll include occasional commentary in italics from present-Rick, who’s much more experienced in the modern dating-verse than at the start. Now, we can re-watch my evolution together. It’s all a journey or something…
Last time we covered my profile creation. Today, we descend into the modern dating app landscape, which is roughly analogous to Dante’s Second Circle of Hell.
For the uninformed, it’s important to understand two common tropes about the apps:
If you’re a female, you will be utterly inundated with thirsty guys messaging you around the clock.
Most men have profiles that can best be described as “utter garbage.” Shirtless flexes, posing with fish, cars, or guns, and little to no actual information. Not to mention the emotional unavailability.
Which is to say, if you’re a reader who’s never had to go hunting on the internet to find love, consider yourself lucky. I am not lucky. It’s okay though - my ill luck makes for your entertainment.
Today, we’re going to check out a few of the clichés I’ve noticed in the ladies’ profiles. First though, let’s start with an update on how my previously posted profile is being received.
An Update On My Profile
Look, I don’t want to say it’s a TSwift level mega hit, but judging by the reactions, I’m solidly in Smash Mouth territory. Frankly, being a one-hit wonder is better than nothing at all.
Turns out, putting in the slightest bit of effort will make you stand out from the crowd. Who could’ve figured that? Here’s a collage with some of the best reactions:
Yes, there are people who have had such negative experiences with other Ricks that they can’t bring themselves to date anyone with the name, but will still go out of their way to tell me how 🔥 my profile is. This, my friends, is what they call a “good sign”.
But enough about how awesome I am.1 Let’s move on to the first external profiles to grace my phone’s seductive screen.
Meatballs and Gravy
Meatballs and GRAVY?!? That's your best dish??? Come the fuck on. Hamburger Helper is a heavier lift than that.
It’s not even a full entreé. It’s a side to one. You can’t go to a real restaurant like Texas Roadhouse and order meatballs and gravy - they’ll laugh you out of the building. I’m sorry, even if you pair it with mashed potatoes, it’s still a minor league player dreaming of being called up to the MLB. I don’t think even a piss poor establishment like Chili’s would have this on the menu.
And this is proudly displayed on your dating profile? Some people truly do live in a world of delusion.
Contrast Ms. Meatballs with this answer:
Hell yeah. Now we’re talking. I have no clue what either of these dishes are and I’m not going to research them before posting. They sound fancy and complicated. I bet they involve more effort than rolling ground beef chuck into balls and placing them into the oven. Ladies, this is the kind of answer I’m hunting for.
Coffee Is Not A Personality Trait
Telling me you drink coffee is about as interesting as letting me know you have all ten of your fingers. And apparently, it’s so front of mind for the female population that EVERYONE feels the need to put it in their profile. All of the screengrabs above were taken from my first two days on the app. I had to stop snapping them because there were so many I could’ve filled a 500 page scrapbook.
I don’t drink coffee, but nearly 73% of the population does. This tells me nothing about you other than if you don’t get your caffeine fix on any particular morning, you will likely be grumpy. Irritable is generally not an impression you want to broadcast and the cute ☕️ emoji isn’t fixing that.
Nobody Cares You Like Sleep
On the opposite end of the caffeinated crowd are the people who must constantly mention they love to sleep and take naps.
BREAKING NEWS - we all enjoy sleeping!
Unless someone is actively consuming methamphetamine or cocaine, they are pretty much always down for a bit of shut eye.
Please, for the love of my sanity, find something more interesting to write in your bio. Listing sleeping as one of your favorite hobbies is like eating a burnt bakery scone that's been rolled around in sand for an hour - it's so fucking dry I want to cut my tongue off to keep from talking to you.
Just once, I’d love to match with one of these sleep fanatics and quiz them. Do you have an Oura ring? Sleep on a temperature controlled mattress? Don't tell me you like sleep if you don’t tape specialty 100% blackout curtains to the wall to ensure not a single ray of light finds its way inside. Don’t tell me you like to sleep if you haven’t been hooked into 22 different wires for an overnight stay in a hospital sleep lab. Because I’ve done that THREE TIMES and I still can’t sleep because the doctor says I’m a broken human being.
Yes, I'm gatekeeping sleep. Amateur hour is over.
The Adventure Continues
Trust me when I say - we’re just scratching the surface of the modern landscape. I haven’t even touched all the women who want to talk about travel in their profiles (because it’s so cliché ugggghhh) Turns out, Tom Petty sang, “love is a long road,” for so very many solid reasons.
In our next installment, we’ll visit a lesson learned from my very first love interest and how my romantic past could help to inform my dating present. present dating strategy.
Comment
If you had to pick a dish to cook for your own dating profile, what would it be and how much more awesome is it than meatballs and gravy?
Can we ever truly hear enough about this topic, though?
Ugh. I’d hate to post a personal CV with a headshot. Dating apps are like a clever contest. But I guess there’s a bit of that on Substack.
I make a yummy homemade pesto.
Late to the party, but this is awesome. As a female in the dating scene slightly older than you, these vanilla answers make me feel like a real standout, a knockout winner. Just for fun, my answer to the first question is "apple pie" and I resent the app-provided prompts to the second ones—they're way too much like a cheesy question out of Miss Congeniality