The Alien Excuse
Making a case in favor of alien domination
As children, we have many irrational fears. Mine included missing the morning school bus, a tornado striking my mountainous Pennsylvanian small town, and misplacing my prized holographic mint condition Charizard card. One brief summer, however, I had a much more real fear.
The fear of UFOs.
Somewhere in my wanderings, I obtained a book about flying saucers. It contained tons of pictures of real-life incidents, spooky over the top writing, and dramatized photos of lanky green/gray aliens. As a child, I believed that all books were definitive sources of knowledge. Therefore, it only made sense that the accounts were irrefutable evidence. UFOs and the aliens in them were REAL. Surely they couldn’t print an entire book just to mislead people, could they?
For that entire summer I spent my nights lying awake in bed, ready to fend off the alien’s plot to kidnap me. The simplest entry point would be through my bedroom window. So I set my clothes basket in front of it. I was confident when they attempted the crime, they would trip, fall, and break their bulbous oval heads on the wooden post corner of my bed. Interplanetary travelers murdered by a ten year old. Mission success.
Eventually, I got over my fear and came to the conclusion that the book was maybe, just possibly, full of it. Unlike me, there’s a whole lot of people who have never given up on this UFO fear.
Alien conspiracy content isn’t typically in my algorithm cup of tea. Lately though, the internet has served it up anyway. If you’re not in the know, there’s this ex-military guy, David Grusch, making the media rounds, claiming to have seen extraterrestrial craft in top-secret government storage. He’s apparently credible enough that Congress is looking into it as well.
I’m not buying it. Believe it or not though, I have been wrong about things before. I know that’s practically unthinkable, but it does happen. So I’m hedging my bets on this one. If the aliens really are hanging around, I have a few requests and questions for them.
Firstly, can ya’ll make yourselves useful? I know you allegedly helped with the pyramids but that was over 4000 years ago. Stop living in the past. What have you done for me lately, y’know? I’m gonna be honest: flying the ships around at random isn’t really helping. It’s just muddying the waters.
Help a fledgling planet out here. Get us all to band together and achieve world peace. Maybe leave a guide titled Stopping Climate Change in One Easy Move on the desk of a few world leaders. At the very least, weigh in on whether hot dogs are sandwiches. If you’re here using us for entertainment, you owe us your hot takes. (They aren’t, btw).
Secondly, are you truly taking the form of these weirdo lanky aliens? I only ask because another childhood book series of mine, Animorphs, had you down as a bunch of brain controlling slugs called Yeerks. And if that’s the case, I’m about to have some even more serious trust issues.
If you’re reading this right now, and you’re a mind-controlling brain slug in charge of a human, you have to tell me. Seriously, it’s just like how the undercover cops have to reveal themselves (this is true, don’t bother looking it up). You can just email me, I promise I’ll be discreet. I don’t want to be accused of being anti-brain slug. These days, you just never know when something you tweet will be used against you later.
As for me, I’m pretty sure I’m not being controlled by the Yeerks because there’s NO WAY they would make all of the poor decisions I have in my life. I’m confident a brain snail would have more wisdom and self-restraint.
Although, I reiterate, I HAVE been wrong before. Do I really have a slug at the controls in my brain? Is this why I’m always tired and have “brain fog”? Can I start blaming all of my bad decisions on the slug instead of myself? Because on second thought, these little guys could be the PERFECT excuse for any situation.
“You can’t raise my car insurance rates, I was being mind controlled when I wrecked!”
“Hey, I’m sorry I missed grandpa’s funeral - my brain slug wanted to get a burger.”
“Look, I can’t commit to a relationship with you right now. I’ve already got one creature mind controlling me, I don’t think I have enough room for two.”
What a beautiful symbiotic relationship that would be. I could even pretend it’s been there for years and blame past actions on it. None of my actions need to be my fault any longer. I’d be able to brush aside all the outlandish comments I’ve made while drinking. My parents would finally have an explanation for all my many disappointments. We could even get rid of the tired old justice system. Can a person under mind control really be prosecuted? I doubt it.
Accountability could be a relic of the past. It’s a clean, perfect solution. Other than the whole loss of self-determination thing. But hey, what’s that really done for us anyway? The world’s a mess and a majority of society is hell-bent on continuing to kick the can down the problem-solving road no matter what.
This is our chance to wipe our hands clean. Really absolve ourselves of the consequences of our actions. Solving our problems by ignoring them. Nothing more exemplifies the American and Earthling Way than that.
So if there are aliens reading this, I hope you’re not the prototypical lanky ones. Bring on the brain slugs. Come crawl inside my cozy head and treat yourself to a luxurious all-inclusive stay. Hell, there’s plenty of space in there - bring a friend or the whole family if you’d like.
Free will is overrated anyway.
3 Funny Things
1 - Powerball Winnings
As a dedicated Seinfeld viewer since the 4th grade, I will never miss the chance to shit on rival show Friends. I didn’t hit the Powerball last week and this previously wouldn’t have been in my plans. Now that the thought’s there though, I’m not sure if I’d use the money for any other purpose.
2 - Most Midwest Joke Ever
Is this really the most midwest joke ever? I don’t know but it’s pretty damn funny regardless. You’ll have to click through to judge for yourself.
3 - Fantasy Football Draft Combine
I’m not a big fantasy football guy but if I was, I can’t imagine a much better way to determine draft rankings than this. This guy has his drinking games down but we all know that one friend who’d totally bomb at flip cup and complain about it every single Sunday all season. And the memory would be hilarious every time.
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