Greek Mythological Figures Answer Dating Prompts

Even gods find love complicated

Rick Note: This piece was first published in Slackjaw earlier this year. I’ve added many new subscribers since then and figured this would be a good time to get it up on my own site. I’ve added in four new figures who were cut from the original in order to freshen it up for prior readers.

Photo by wallner on Pixabay

Zeus

You should leave a comment if

You don't mind a strong man with multiple children and baby mamas. We practice Ethical Non-Monogamy. Wife is totally cool with it. You won't have to worry about a vengeful spouse. Promise!

Together, we could

Father a new member of the pantheon.

The Sirens

Change my mind about

Earplugs. They're ugly and uncomfortable. Please don't show up on our date wearing these. They give me the ick.

Proof I have musical talent

You're invited to my private island to have a listen any time 😘

Narcissus

If loving this is wrong, I don't want to be right

Myself. Self-care is so important in today's world. Honestly, I'm the best.

The best way to ask me out is

Come by my lake and repeatedly Echo the request. I may hear it eventually. Even if I don't, I promise you'll absolutely love the reflections in the water.

Aphrodite

I'm looking for

Commitment. As goddess of fertility, I take my role very seriously. I need someone who's ready to devote himself to being a father. I have eleven children already and am ready for more with the right man.

Worst Idea I've Ever Had

I once bribed a prince to win a Golden Apple. Turns out it set off a chain reaction of events. Even millennia later I'm STILL being blamed for starting the entire Trojan War. 0/10, would not do again.

Helen of Troy

I feel most supported when

The world's two greatest armies battle over me for an entire decade.

I'll brag about you to my friends if

You also have a face that could launch a thousand ships.

Odysseus

Best Travel Story

I once spent ten years cruising the Mediterranean. I saw a Cyclops, heard the song of the Sirens, and met a real nymph on the Isle of Ogygia. And that's barely half of it. It was truly an odyssey.

One thing I'll never do again

Leave home. Local matches only please!

Atlas

My greatest strength

Shoulders and lats. Ask about my PR on the overhead press!

Typical Sunday

Holding up the sky. I never get a day off. Together we could gaze at its captivating blues and ponder the wisdom of defying the divine order.

Hercules

My Love Language is

Acts of Service. I'm known round the world for my dedication in performing the Twelve Labours. My ideal partner will be just as driven to atone for the murder of their own spouse.

A random fact I love is

You can burn the neck of a Hydra to prevent regeneration of its heads. Who knew?!

Hades

I won't shut up about

My dog, a lovable 3-headed pup named Cerberus. He's the bestest boy and just loves running around all day preventing the escape of damned souls. Bonus points if the first date includes pup cups!

What if I told you that

My Underworld isn't JUST for the damned. The ordinary and blessed are also welcome in the Asphodel Meadows and Elysian Fields. Don't believe the Christian propaganda!

Charon, River Styx Boatman

I know the best spot in town for

Scenic river boat cruises.

Let's make sure we're on the same page about

Leaving an obol in the mouth of your deceased relative as payment for afterlife services.

Icarus

I'll fall for you if

The sun melts the wax holding together my wings. It won't though. I totally got this. We should fly together sometime :)

My cry-in-the-car song is

Flight of Icarus by Iron Maiden

Pandora

Weirdest gift I've given or received

A box. Given with strict instructions never to open it. Gifts are meant to be opened. So I did. It contained all of humanity's disease, death and sorrow. Worst. Birthday. Ever.

Let's debate this topic

I shut the box before humanity's hope leaked out. Does that mean I saved it and gave everyone the will to endure hardships OR that it's sealed from mankind entirely and we're all perpetually expecting relief that will never come? Cute first date debate!

Medusa

My self-care routine is

Allowing my snake hair to molt four times per year. It's critical to keep them fresh and lustrous!

I bet you can't

Beat me in a staring contest.

The Harpies

I want someone who

Can see the real beauty hidden behind my matted hair, sharp teeth, and stench of decay.

Green flags I look out for

Your favorite hobby is snatching away misbehaving mortals to torment.

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Comments

This piece was one of my favorites to write, to the point I keep considering expanding it into a short book (perhaps with some other mythologies thrown in). If you’re a Substack writer, share one of your favorite pieces below! If you’re just a reader, I’d love feedback on whether you enjoyed it or if the references were a bit too obscure (turns out, not everyone has a large working knowledge of Greek mythology).