Guess Who's Back?
Back again - Rick is back - tell a friend (seriously though, more subscribers would be cool)
Forgive me Reader, for I have sinned.
Over the last two weeks I have committed what I’m told is the cardinal sin of Substack: not publishing on my regular cadence. According to basically everyone who writes about writing on here, it is a death knell. The beginning of the end. I can only assume the Supreme Court of Substack will be gathering shortly to force my head into a guillotine like some French aristocrat during the Revolution.
Some folks say the best thing to do is just not to acknowledge it. Move on and act like there isn’t a giant elephant here in our one-sided email conversation. Obviously, I am not listening to those people. It drives me crazy when there’s unspoken things in conversation that people just don’t say. I also have a knack for saying the quiet part out loud. Often, this candidness gets me into trouble. I’m not really expecting any here though, so let’s just get to it.
Look, it turns out that it’s pretty hard to focus on writing a newsletter (or much of anything) following a hernia surgery, which is what I had two weeks ago.
To the more intelligent readers, this is a fairly obvious statement. To the naive Rick of early October, this statement was foolish. OBVIOUSLY he’d still be able to write after the surgery and would have no problem fulfilling his normal duties. Naive Rick expected to be able to do two improv shows the week following surgery and probably also harbored a secret inclination he could do a backflip too. Even though Rick has never done a backflip, it still seemed like it’d probably be attainable just a week removed from major surgery. I mean, if Simone Biles could, SURELY so could he.
Turns out, even with an incision only one tiny little pathetic inch long, things get real limited, real fast. The best visual I can give you is this one of Frodo after being stabbed by the Nazgul:
That tiny little cut has had my abdomen swollen for weeks. It’s still swollen RIGHT NOW. It’s not as bad, but it still isn’t normal yet, and I’m still only halfway through the official recovery. It’s like if I had a beer belly only it was super painful. I’ve never had a beer belly before, so maybe they are all painful? I don’t know. I hope I never find out.
Another comparison is to a woman who’s a few months pregnant. And ladies, I’m here to say: I fucking get it now. The back pain and swelling from this alone were absolutely miserable. I couldn’t sleep. Multiple times I got stuck sunken into my demonic couch or in bed after attempting to lie down. Unable to use my core to help me get up and finding only pain when I tried various other methods of twisting around, I was often left to flop there like a helpless carp for 10+ minutes while I mustered the ability to get back up.
I really can’t imagine having a bump big enough to house a human child on the front end. Not only that but it gets WORSE over time, for nine whole months, instead of better over the course of a few weeks, like mine is. What the actual fuck? Nature is a cruel mistress for doing that to ya’ll. Seriously demented shit going on here on this planet Earth.
I could go on and on about the whole experience. Maybe I will in the future. There’s plenty more comedy meat on the bone. Mostly though, what I wanted to convey today is that I’m getting better and I’m looking forward to getting back to making you laugh, chuckle and guffaw every week.
Frodo had a long journey to save the world and he got stabbed pretty much at the start of it. Timing-wise, I guess we both kinda got stabbed at nearly identical junctures. He still made it all the way with the help of his friends though, so I’m hoping I do too. To that end, I appreciate every one of you for joining me on this writing journey and I hope you’ll stick with me as we get this quest back on track.
You know what would help my hernia recovery the most? If you subscribed right now. My doctor even mentioned it: the more subscribers you have online, the faster you get back to normal. So yes, that means if you don’t subscribe right now, you’re a bad person directly causing my suffering. Wow. Don’t be that person, subscribe now:
3 Funny Things
1 - Man Undergoes Pregnancy
Apparently you can experience pregnancy two ways as a man: hernia surgery or just strapping a case of alcoholic beverages to your stomach. I think I definitely picked the harder of the two but this video seems to accurately portray a lot of the challenges as well.
2 - Movies and Me
This accurately sums up my pop culture reference game. No, I haven’t seen a single one of the Marvel superhero movies since Iron Man in 2008. I haven’t seen whatever random Netflix series you’re recommending either. And I’m not planning to. But society dictates I pretend to be interested, so I will tell you I’m definitely adding it to my list and I definitely am not.
3 - Work Emails
Looking for a way to spice up your work emails? Look no further. Now we have Artificial Intelligence to do it for us all. Quite frankly, it might be just the revolution we need to make email a task that isn’t so painful. I know I’d be more interested if I got something more ominous from Brittany in HR. They’d certainly have my attention.
You’ve scrolled all this way. Maybe you’re already a subscriber, in which case, big thanks. Also though, you could still tell a friend. You could send them this and encourage them to subscribe. It could change their entire life. Pass along the gift of a Finding Wit’s End subscription today.