Hernia Surgery Day
If you opened this email right after receiving it, I’m currently unconscious. My abdomen is sliced open like a Christmas ham and, given my sarcastic personality, it’s probably just about as salty. Hope that visual sticks with you this holiday season!
I can’t see it but a very nice doctor is trying to push my guts and colon back where they belong. They, like most of my body parts, are thoroughly uncooperative. I assume they were just yearning for freedom and sunlight of their own. I can’t blame them - the sun is pretty great.
Don’t worry - this is all according to plan.
At least, I hope so. Cause I’m unconscious, remember? So I have no clue if the plan is working. I’m REALLY hoping it’s going better than the time that people planned to remove a dead whale by placing 20 cases of dynamite around it:
I don’t think they keep any TNT in the hospital, but I don’t have it verified. There’s a lot of rooms they won’t let me inside. Has anyone checked to make sure? Why isn’t there a government agency to check on something like this? I just think a Wednesday is kind of a bad day to end up like Wile E. Coyote.
It is a great day to declare a new holiday though. I’m calling this one Hernia Surgery Day. It’s a brand new one I’m workshopping for the country. I think it’s only appropriate that we all have it off. This way, people (that’s you) can think about my guts being pushed back into my abdomen today AND at Christmas. Just seems like a proper thing to do.
Really, I think it’d be justified to expand the new holiday concept to every time I have a medical incident. I promise, you’re gonna love it. My weak, frail body breaks down more than a Chrysler Neon. Just this year alone we could have a new holiday for almost every month.
Why shouldn’t we? There’s this big presidential election next year and yet not one candidate is talking about adding new holidays. It absolutely boggles the mind. You show me a candidate who’s going to add a few new holidays and get this 32-hour workweek thing going, I’ll show you a candidate who’s gonna win. Almost bums me out that I can’t run yet cause this seems like a pretty bulletproof platform.
Things are probably just fine with the surgery though. Unlike Humpty Dumpty, I’m reasonably confident they’ll be able to put me back together again. Just remember: if I can’t get this holiday thing passed officially, we’ll always have the Christmas ham to commemorate and remember.
3 Funny Things
1 - Visiting the Kids
I don’t have any kids. I don’t know if I ever will. There’s definitely certain kids I like but there’s a lot where I’m a bit less stoked about spending time with them. This video sums up that attitude. It’s a popular attitude for a reason. (Also, I can’t remember if I put this one in here already and I’m not going back to check, so uhhh my bad if I did. Just laugh at it again. My GUTS are cut open, I deserve some slack.)
2 - Nice Rack
Let’s be real - a lot of prank videos suck. These low-rent Youtubers tend to take things wayyyy too far. This one was pretty funny though and it looks like the people involved all gave their permission. Just fun laughs as they send people on their way.
3 - 2023 Goals
The end of the year is close - time to revisit those New Years Resolutions! This video more or less sums up my year. Downgrading my expectations a bit and hey, living through the whole thing IS quite an accomplishment.