On Trial: Entitled Eaters
A court trial of an issue that truly matters
This week’s testimony is available as an audio recording in addition to the written court record below. If you’re listening, be sure not to miss this week’s Three Funny Things at the bottom!
All Rise! The Court of the Honorable Judge Rick is now in session.
Today we’ll be hearing arguments in the case of Rick v. Entitled Eaters, Case No. 2023-CR-15364-EAT.1
Jurors, this case is a straightforward one. The scene was a humble supermarket where I found myself in line behind the accused. She was attempting to make a simple return. Normally, this would not be a noteworthy event. On that fateful spring morning, however, I found myself engulfed in a most egregious crime.
At first, I was sure my eyes deceived me. Alas, there was no mistaking the delicate gradients of jade and mossy green. The vibrant hues melded together as if Nature was a painter on par with the great Michelangelo himself. The protective shell of bumps and ridges on the outside stood in stark contrast as the offending objects lay prostrate on the granite countertop before us.
This lady was seriously trying to return two avocados.
Look at her seated over there. So smug, so sure she’d gotten away with it all.
I admire her audacity. I am equally appalled by it. According to her own damning testimony, these fruits had already been bought and removed from the store. Surely, as functioning members of society, we can all agree: you cannot return fruit.
This communal law has been commonplace for decades. To support my case, one need only consult the Seinfeld Scriptures, our everyday guide to the mundane. I will first quote Season 2, Episode 12: I don’t return fruit. Fruit’s a gamble. I know that going in. Moreover, this situation was covered in depth in the classic Season 5, Episode 2, as presented here:
To those listening to the audio version of this testimony, due to the vagaries of copyright law I am unable to directly share this portion with you, but you need only scroll down the page to hear for yourself.
As a juror, you may be reasoning, “Perhaps the offending fruit was chosen by a store worker fulfilling an online order.” It pains me to tell you that is patently false. Due to the leisurely, unhurried pace of our court system, the inciting incident in this case first took place several years ago, before the prevalence of such convenient shopping methods.
The law is clear. It seems, however, that we live in a lawless society. Despite the overwhelming evidence against her, a manager was called. Picky Pamela got away with her transgression. I was powerless to intervene.
Furthermore, the madness does not end with our nation’s produce.
Recently, I was informed via email by Panda Express that they had updated their dispute arbitration process. And I ask: who the hell needs to have a dispute with Panda Express?
We can all plainly see this food is kept under heat lamps. It’s fried rice and orange chicken - surely we can all temper our expectations a bit. What could possibly be so wrong that a formal dispute is necessary? WHERE DO YOU PEOPLE FIND THE TIME? WHY MUST I OCCUPY THE SAME PLANET AS YOU? PLEASE END THE MADNESS! GET A LIFE!
Opposing Counsel: “Objection, this guy is just ranting now, your honor!”
I apologize to the courtroom for that minor outburst. It is difficult not to get emotional during testimony as paramount as this. It is clear these defendants are guilty of crimes against humanity. As in all things, the punishment should fit the crime.
I hereby sentence all future offenders to spend one (1) full year eating ONLY subpar food items. Give them our mushy, blackened bananas. Force them to find their nourishment consuming only wilted, soggy lettuce. Send them home with the bruised and broken peaches unfit for grocery store shelves. They should be served only reheated, five-day-old leftovers at every meal until they come to fully appreciate the bounteous cornucopia of delicious food options that were previously available to them.
Three Funny Things
1 - Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video
As someone who grew up in Western Pennsylvania, I’ll never miss a chance to shit on Cleveland. To that end, I only realized after speaking to a friend this week that there are actually people who’ve never seen this video before. It’s less than a minute and sums up (almost) everything you’ll ever need to know.
2 - Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video: 2nd Attempt
Hey, I said it ALMOST summed up everything you needed to know. This sequel video should clear up any remaining confusion and misapprehension. And also ensure that the jingle gets stuck in your head afterward. You’re welcome.
3 - Greatest Local Commercial…Ever?
This week’s theme is officially throwback videos with catchy jingles. Local commercials are known for being ridiculous and cheesy but this one might take the cake. Let’s give this small drug store the exposure they paid good money for. Let me know which memorable song gets stuck in your head first.
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Let’s just ignore the fact that the judge is also the plaintiff. Seems above board and reasonable to me.