Sleep is Stupid
An open plea to Mother Nature
I’m tired of sleep.
Don’t get me wrong - evolution has come up with some stellar ideas. Eyeballs are pretty fantastic little orbs. Walking upright probably saved a ton of lives from the bears and tigers. And hell, don’t forget the orgasms - now THERE is a masterfully executed idea.
I’m just saying, mayyyybe Mother Nature lost the plot with the whole sleep thing.
First of all, since turning 30, I can’t sleep for shit anymore. I’m told this is normal but I gotta say, it’s unacceptable. Less than 7 hours of sleep and I’m a barely functioning zombie. One of the really slow, lumbering ones from back in the 70’s when they didn’t have the special effects to properly showcase the idea.
And I ALWAYS get less than 7 hours.
One of you is undoubtedly going to hit up the comments and give me your sleeping tips. Don’t bother. I’ve tried them all. No screens before bedtime, no caffeine, no eating after 5pm, blackout curtains, breathing exercises, cold plunges, melatonin pills, weird drinkable concoctions advertised to me on Instagram, the list goes on. I know, I probably missed your specific, rando suggestion. It’s not because I haven’t tried it - it’s because I forgot to mention it. The point is: none of this really works on an extended basis.
After trying all of this, I went shambling to my place of last resort: sleep doctors.
The first one I saw several years ago gave me a diagnosis of sleep apnea. If you’re unfamiliar with this condition, it’s where I’m so bad at sleeping that I forget how to breathe. I’m pretty bad at a lot of things but I never thought I’d have to add breathing to the list. Golf? Awful. Picking out Christmas presents? Terrible, sorry mom. Forming basic emotional bonds with other people? Never gonna happen. I was always going to be bad at those things but I really thought I had the whole breathing thing nailed down after the first month of my life.
What the doctor gives you to solve this is a CPAP mask. Apparently, modern medical science has been slacking a bit and hasn’t come up with a pill to solve this. All the good funding goes to minor illnesses like heart disease, cancer, and alopecia. (It’s just a joke Mr. Smith, please don’t slap me).
There’s different kinds of masks you can pick from. If your breathing skills are still somewhat salvageable, you get a mask that only covers your nose, like a little sleeping mustache. This was not me. I had to wear a full face mask because my mouth would fall open. So now, every time I go to sleep, I’m forced to breathe like Darth Vader. Imagine trying to sleep with the labored, haunting sounds of a Sith Lord just inches from your own ears.
Just look at that thing. It comes with its own set of problems. Like: how do you introduce the mask to a new partner? Because I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but nowhere in those movies did ol’ Darth ever have a hot chick hanging on his black metal suit. After the whole lava incident he was basically trapped as a bachelor the rest of his life.
I really tried. At first I thought, “Hey, no shame in my game, I’ll just put it on.” The problem with that is when I’d wake up in the middle of the night, ready for round two, it’d become a race to get everything off before the mood is dead. I was like John Henry versus the steam engine, only my arch nemesis is blocked nasal passages. And apparently, me just rolling over and going “Oh Jennifer, let’s get kinky,” in a Vader voice didn’t really have the same cachet to it.
I went through ALL of this, still with minimal results, before seeing another doctor. Turns out, I don’t even have sleep apnea. It’s normally an overweight person thing and at 6’1” and 170 pounds, I wasn’t even close. I might have some other narrowing of the nasal passages that makes it more difficult to breathe at night, but the whole mask thing is apparently unnecessary.
Did you know doctors can just diagnose you with a sickness and THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE TO BE RIGHT? This was a shock to me. I know I’m not perfect, but surely someone with a slightly fancier piece of paper than mine would pretty much always be correct??
All of this, the whole thing, is evolution’s fault. The grand plan for human sleeping patterns has failed me. So I’d like to take this moment to humbly address Mother Nature directly with my grievances. I have a solution. She’s not on this email list but if you happen to know her address, please forward it for me.
Hey Momma N,
I know you’re busy, what with the climate changing and everything. Some of us are really sorry about that and wish we could do more to stop it, but a whole lot of other people are morons. I think maybe they wouldn’t be so dumb if they slept better though, and that’s why I’m writing. I know you might be looking at the list above and saying, “Hey, I also gave you Rohypnol and binge drinking blackouts, try those!” They just really don’t have the same restorative, sleepy effect, y’know?
You can make it up to all of us. You just have to put in a little switch where we can flip it and just instantly go to sleep. Calling it the Sleep Switch would be catchy, since it’s alliteration and everything. I’m thinking you could place it right inside the ear as a prime spot. Us humans don’t want to accidentally hit it if you place it on our face cause we’re always touching the face and looking at it. Honestly, between the eyes and nose and teeth and mouth and facial hair, we have enough going on there.
The Sleep Switch would just put us to sleep over the course of five minutes. I know you’re big on safety, Miss Nature, and I think that’s enough time to flip it back to “Awake” if something went awry. It seems like a very simple, elegant solution to me. I really hope you’ll consider implementing it immediately, rather than waiting the whole 200,000 years. Tom Petty really had it right when he said waiting was the hardest part, especially for us humans.
So just think about it. I’d love to see it in my lifetime. I think it would really pad out your resumé and cement your Hall of Fame status. Let’s be real, being the mom of such a large category as all of the natural world is truly difficult. Put a Sleep Switch in your own head while you’re at it. You deserve the rest.
Great job on the orgasm thing though. We’re all totally digging those.
Your pal,
Rick
3 Funny Things
1 - If Ford F-150 Commercials Were Honest
Some people need trucks for their jobs. I think the percentage of the population requiring this is MUCH smaller than the overall number of people who own trucks. This video is targeted at the larger segment which primarily consists of people overpaying for a gigantic, largely redundant and unnecessary vehicle.
2 - Louis C.K. Shitty Ankle
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I’ve had a sprained ankle for damn near two months now. I’ve done PT multiple times per day, compressed it in a brace, iced it down, had massages, elevated it, and done literally anything possible to fix it. It’s still shitty and it reminds me of this bit from Louis. I’m only 32 though and I don’t want to give up on my ankle but….maybe I don’t have a choice?
3 - Invisible Danger Prank
Is there anything more fun than running harmless pranks on friends/significant others? I doubt it. It’s certainly one of my favorite past times. I do believe I have a new one to try out after seeing this.
hahaha chuckled at this piece...Hope your sleep improves (along with your relationship with it!)