The Pasta Paradigm
Time for a shift
The dish before you is a work of culinary art. A symphony of colors and textures. Nestled atop a bed of golden spaghetti, the vibrant red tomato sauce beckons with a glossy sheen. Plump, succulently browned meatballs dot the tangled landscape of noodles. Dancing throughout the dish, you'll find freshly grated Parmesan cheese, delicately melting over the pasta like a warm, creamy blanket.
Your mouth is probably watering right now. Stomach rumbling with hunger. It’s possible you’re picking up your phone right now and ordering your favorite pasta dish for dinner. You may even be the type of person who eats pasta every week, posting artsy Instagram pictures of it.
If that’s how you feel about it, you’re going to hate this article.
I’m about to shit all over your beloved pasta.
I was raised in a prison of pasta. Spaghetti, ravioli, penne, rigatoni - the variations were endless but the flavor was missing. As a child, I was given little control over the weekly menu. There was no escape from this penitentiary. There are only so many watery noodles a sane person can stomach before turning against their tormentor.
I am the villain. It is time to vanquish pasta to the sewers where it belongs.
I can sense you turning against me. That mouth watering feeling you had at the start has turned into a foaming at the mouth. You look like an unfortunate rabies victim in your zealous impulse to defend the beloved noodles. The country of Italy is working to ban my passport as I type.
I don’t need to go to Italy anyway to know the irrefutable truth: Pasta Blows.
Has there ever been a dish as overrated as pasta? I highly doubt it. It doesn’t matter what shape the noodles come in. They’re always so bland and tasteless that NOBODY will eat them without first drenching everything in sauce and melting cheese over the top. They’re carrying Team Pasta just like LeBron James used to carry the entire city of Cleveland on his back.
No other food gets this big of a pass from our taste buds. And yet, everywhere, everyone is going ABSOLUTELY BONKERS for this stuff. What is it about this over worshiped sector of the food pyramid that has the world so captivated? I’ll tell you what.
Pasta is sugar.
That’s all it is. Once these carbohydrates, simple or complex, hit your digestive system, the body is turning all of it into sugar. Got that? It’s the easiest equation ever. 1 = 1 and pasta = sugar.
When the fuck has eating a pile of sugar ever been okay? Never. Look no further than the ever expanding waistband of the nation’s population for proof. Pasta and all of its ilk are no better than drug dealers holding our appetites hostage as we all try to get our fix.
I won’t stand for it.
Of course, as with most things, I have the perfect solution. Shut it all down. In 1919, this nation passed a Prohibition on alcohol. Today, it is time to renew the war against grain. Michelle Obama didn’t go far enough with the school lunches, but I’m here to finish the job.
Shutter the doors to the noodle factories. Bomb every Olive Garden and Carrabba’s. Arrest those who dare to smuggle contraband wheat flour in their pants. The mandatory minimum sentence: life in prison. No measure is too far to ensure the destruction of pasta as a dish for eternity.
“But Rick, what will we eat”
Protein. What we all should’ve been eating all along. Everything will be replaced with protein. Protein doesn’t turn into sugar - it turns into amino acids. Amino acids power our muscles. They make us stronger. We will eat simple diets of chicken and broccoli.
*smacks chicken breast* I promise, you’re going to love it.
3 Funny Things
A few questions for all of you this week: Are you enjoying three funny things? Is there anything you’d like to see more or less of? Do you find yourself skipping them because it’s a larger time investment? I’m just trying to get a handle on what everyone enjoys the most and whether it’s useful to readers to continue doing this section or not. Let me know in the comments below!
1 - Washer or Soaker?
Quick clip from Bill Burr’s special at Red Rocks. If you missed it when it premiered last year, the whole hour is fantastic. Check it out on Netflix if you’re a subscriber.
2 - Dogs are fun
This one took me for a bit of a ride. Very suspenseful, the kind of drama you can’t find in today’s unoriginal Hollywood flicks. I’d pay to see to watch the longer version of this on the big screen.
3 - Wingstop, anyone?
Ten hours of work without eating can do a lot of things to a person’s psyche. It completely broke this poor girl, who thanks to the proliferation of modern camera technology and the undefeated creativity of the internet, will never live her meltdown down.
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