Coronation of a New King: Oatmeal Raisin

This piece was so much fun to write, I couldn’t help myself and had to to do a recording. I recommend not missing the pictures below, but if audio is your thing, please enjoy!

I’m tired of living under tyranny. I’m tired of suffering in silence. I’m tired of faking my belief just to survive. 

I’m tired of pretending chocolate chip cookies are the best. They’re not. Never have been. 

It is time to rebel. It is time they were overthrown. It is time for them to be cast down from the Cookie Throne and a new King anointed. The reigning monarch, Chocarius the XIV, is pretentious, arrogant. He presumes it is his birthright to rule over all he sees. The black stains left upon the teeth of his subjects reflect the darkness in his very soul. They mark only the start of the litany of crimes under his repressive rule. 

Just look at this smug asshole (Credit: Adobe Firefly)

I know your first instinct is to argue, to take up arms, to defend the Crown and preserve the vast multitudes of dark dots encased in their doughy shells. They are everywhere, casting their shadows like a pall throughout our lives. Lining supermarket aisles. Stacked atop one another at birthday parties. Seizing premium placement at the bakery. 

A new era is upon us, my friends.

The darkness we toil under need not be eternal. Already, the foundations of the Chocolate Chip Empire are crumbling. It is estimated that by the year 2050, chocolate could become extinct due to climate change. 

What then? What will you do? Will you try to enjoy some knock-off, lab-grown chocolate, rationing it out like Winston in 1984? It won’t be the same. Like an addict, your mind will be haunted by memories of the real thing, echoes of a bygone era long forgotten. You will be left with no choice. Feeling defeated, broken, you will come crawling to the rightful King, the superior cookie all along.

All rise and due reverence to Oatric the First, the Oatmeal Raisin King in Exile! 

Look at those oatmealy thighs - Oatric doesn’t skip leg day (Credit: Adobe Firefly)

Oatric and his plucky band of rebels grows stronger by the day. They do not fear to fight in the relentless heat of the sun. Every day, more grapes bake in the fields and vineyards, creating a limitless supply of new raisin soldiers for his armies. 

Nothing can stop the Rise of the Raisin. 

The quality of Chocarius’s subjects varies significantly. Low-grade, mass produced cookies dominate the constitution of his kingdom. His only truly powerful subjects are those fresh from the oven, a temporary advantage that cools quickly in the wind. 

Oatric’s humble soldiers contain no such weaknesses. When fresh, they are soft and supple, flowing over the tongue like the sonorous notes of Beethoven’s Third Symphony. When old, they are crispy and crumbly, invoking a hardened sense of grit and determination in the eater. A single bite is known to restore vitality and cleanse the spirit.

Join the Revolution! There is still time to be saved. Abandon your false King. Cast aside the insidious allure of the Chocolate Chip.

Choose the healthier cookie. Select the tastier cookie. Preach the word of Oatric to everyone you meet. Present them at your parties. Consume them cheerfully. Rest comfortably in the knowledge of your superiority over your lesser friends. 

Long Live King Oatric the First!