My Day Living Like Liam Neeson
If you get taken, just call me ig
A Call To Adventure
Real talk - modern work life is BORING. Most of us rush through a morning routine just to spend eight hours sitting at a desk. Our reward? The endless monotony of the email inbox. While there may be a few missives that brighten our day (hi, hoping this is one), it's mostly just garbage.
Still, we’re given few other options for entertainment. Many jobs block social media. And doing actual work just sucks. Which leaves too many of us stuck in yet another conversation with our coworker Alicia about the rising cost of the multiple storage units she uses to stockpile heaps of antique junk she calls a side business but actually acts as an audition tape for the 17th season of Hoarders.
Put it all together and it's enough to make one contemplate the pros of mainlining Bic ink until internal organ failure. Desperate for some kind of office adventure, one day I ventured into my spam folder. Inside, I found this:
A real ransom note! All for little old me. Suddenly, I'm Liam Neeson in Taken. The music quickens and everything in my mind goes blank as the camera captures a close-up of my face changing from boredom to determination. THIS IS EXCITING. Finally something to live for.
I first notice it’s odd that the sender has my same name. Perhaps there's a time loop element here. He could be AlterRick, a version of myself from the future. I'm always a bit unimpressed when the writers add a time angle. Still, it beats another conversation about why storing a dozen used Easter baskets for twenty years in a garage is an "investment." So I dive right in.
The Message
I love the boldness right off the top. Listen pal - I bring enough misery to my own life, thank you very much. I'm not currently taking applications for additional misery causers. It's so un-Zen of you, by the way.
The amount of prep work here would surely qualify him for a mid-level manager position at any generic company. Complete control of all my devices AND correspondence? That's real productivity. I wish I still had this level of drive. Mine drained out years ago. Forget worrying about what he wants. If he's really accomplished this, I want to hire him as a productivity mentor. Teach me, oh wise scammer!
Though I will say, he does seem to have basic facts wrong. I'm single, so there's nobody to cheat on. He's also misread my personality because frankly, I look pretty good naked. Release the photos. I have no fear. Though the masturbation video could be an issue. Do I have an awkward expression on my face? Maybe an out of place grunt? The last thing I need is for people online to criticize my technique. It'd just be embarrassing to be seen as bad at it after having been around 34 years.
I make a mental note to have my blackmailing alter ego clarify what I look like in the video. Assuming it's as bad as he says, I have to wonder: what does he want?
Only $750? That's a pretty low amount. AlterRick is really underselling himself. I guess he’s the same as CurrentRick. Sir - channel your inner Boss Blackmailer! You've got some clutch info here. It's depressing to think that my future self STILL lacks complete self-confidence. Get it together, man! How many more years are we going to live in this perpetual cycle of one step forward, five steps back? Just try to amount to the littlest bit of SOMETHING, would ya please?
Then there's confusion over my allotted response time. The headline said I had only 24 hours to respond but now I'm being told I have 48. To complicate things further, I didn't even see this message until an entire week after I received it. During which time not a single friend came forward mentioning they'd received nude photographs or videos. So either everyone I know is hiding them from me in a vast conspiracy (sorry, I can't afford to pay each of you $750) OR AlterRick just lacks follow through and attention to detail. Which, again, sounds about right.
My Response
I sent him a response detailing all of the above. He never responded. I may never know what happened to him. Maybe he was bluffing. Maybe someone with actual confidence bought them for $750 and is formulating another letter to extort even more money from me. Maybe he decided the videos were so hot he just had to keep them for himself.1
Maybe he truly was desperate for time. My slow response could have been his demise. I shudder to think that AlterRick could've desperately needed the Bitcoin for survival. If the price rose in the future, he could have hatched this plan to get some from the past, where it'd be cheaper. I feel just awful for letting him down.
So this is an apology to my future self. For this and so many other lapses. I know I've really fumbled the ball on many things. I'm going to try and be better, so that you don't have to send emails into the past begging for money. I'm really going to change this time. Promise.2
I'll be kinder, more caring, and compassionate. I'll lend a helping hand, donate to charity, and sacrifice my personal time to uplift others. That way, we can be self-fulfilled and not even need the money. You're all going to be so shocked when I shift the timeline.
I'll even get interested in Alicia's financial strategy for reselling hundreds of ceramic Russian figurines, even though the primary market for them is slowly but surely filling the front pages of the obituary section every day and still they keep piling up and up and now she's needs to buy a third storage unit because she just bought a truckload of rusty alarm clocks from 1932 that are totally going to be worth big bucks if she can just find the time to restore them to their natural beauty by hiring a craftsman to do the work which will eat into her profit margins but it's still worth it to store them all for the next decade and she can prove it if she could just convince her husband NOT to close the additional storage unit because he's just so unsupportive and doesn't understand the larger vision that is her life's work that will go totally uncompleted so that as the eternal hand of time marches inexorably forward she too will one day join the ranks of the obituary column and her children will be left to sort through the cheap knick-knacks she hoarded and eventually sell them all for pennies at an estate sale.
Phew. On second thought, I think I'm just going to keep doing me. Figure your own shit out, AlterRick.
Support The Pub
If you’ve been enjoying the publication and I’m succeeding on delivering the laughs, help me spread the word! Liking, sharing, commenting, or getting a friend to subscribe is the best way to help me spread the word and look - there’s even special buttons here to help you do all of those things!
HEY, it could happen
At least, I hope so, cause I’m so tired of trying and failing
Nothing like a spam letter to give you an essay idea. This was funny. Maybe the writer is from a parallel universe.
I kind of feel like this is what people who fundraise for political parties do in their spare time. Alter Rick is really running some PAC in Wisconsin and just got a teeny bit bored over the weekend.