Sauron's Press Conference Following The Battle Of Minas Tirith (3/16/3019)

Obviously, we're disappointed by the outcome of the battle

Obviously we're disappointed by the outcome of the battle. I'm not going to make excuses for how the Mordor Orcs performed. I take full responsibility for our collective battle plan. We tip our helmets to the men of the White City. That said, here in Mordor, we do not run away from adversity - we run toward it.

We do not live in our fears. We're aware of the heightened stakes for this week's matchup at the Black Gates and remain committed to our next orc up philosophy. We still have 60,000 strong troops eager to fight in defense of their homeland. We're excited about that and the opportunity we have to show the world why we're the best.

Questions?

Reporter: Coach, do you have an injury update on the Witch King of Angmar?

The Witch King is currently undergoing our standard medical protocols. We do not have a status update on the severity of his injury at this time. He's a competitor and we know he'll do everything he can to get back onto the field. We're optimistic that by the next engagement he'll be able to reconstitute into his corporeal form.

Obviously he brings a component to warfare that isn't easily replaced. However we're excited to see the other eight Nazgûl step up in his absence and show us that they can contribute to our collective effort.

Reporter: The Ride of the Rohirrim was the turning point of the battle. Why weren't the hordes of Mordor more prepared to repel a cavalry charge?

I haven't had the chance to review the tape yet. I know we had oliphaunts, cave trolls and spearmen available. The incident stems from a busted coverage by our ally, Saruman. I'm not going to speculate on what he or we could have done better. Excuses are the tools of the incompetent.

Reporter: Can you comment on the contribution of the Haradrim to the battle?

The standard is the standard in Mordor. I'm sorry to say the Haradrim performed below the line. At the end of the day, it is what it is. We're not going to make excuses.

Reporter: The men of Harad were your biggest free agency signing but only have a one year contract. Do you anticipate pursuing them again this offseason?

I won't comment on contract matters in-season.

Reporter: Coach Sauron, how do you feel about the inclusion of the Dead Men of Dunharrow in the battle?

Obviously their advent near the end of the battle, when we clearly had the upper hand, is highly questionable. We're not sure how they were so quickly granted an emergency roster exemption. It's an issue I'm not going to speculate on here. I will simply say that we are in contact with the Valar in the league office and hope to receive their divine wisdom soon.

Reporter: How do you feel now that it's clear the race of men has found their new King?

We do not care.

Reporter: How can you just not care? The Host of the West currently has the White Wizard and a returned King of Men. Meanwhile, you are lacking many of your star players. How are you planning on taking your injury riddled roster and winning a major engagement?

Look, we're not going to get stuck in the minutiae. The race of men is weak. They've always been weak. At the end of the day, we're in the business of darkness and corruption. Our track record speaks for itself. This King will fall just like his predecessor Isildur.

No further questions at this time. As always, I'd like to end by reminding the public that we're offering eternal life as a spectral figure to anyone with information leading to the finding of the One Ring. It is precious to us.

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Comment

1. We all know the Lord of the Rings movies are some of the greatest films of all time. Which is your favorite and why?