As Seen On Dating Apps #3

Pick-up lines from a guy who cannot resist going for the joke

Author’s note: This dating series was written over the course of the past year (2024). True to my procrastinating nature, I’m just publishing it now. Links to parts 1 and 2 are here.

I’m choosing not to heavily edit the posts and instead let them live as a ‘time capsule’ of sorts. I’ll include occasional commentary in italics from present-Rick, who’s much more experienced in the modern dating-verse than at the start. Now, we can re-watch my evolution together. It’s all a journey or something…

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A Master of Flirtation

She spun around in slow-motion, blonde hair shimmering in the afternoon light atop the hill. Everything about her was graceful and perfect. As she turned to call my name, she smiled. Missing a few teeth, but hey, we were in Kindergarten - exceptions can be made.

She was my first crush. We’ll call her Anna, mostly because I don’t remember her actual name. Which, as we all know, is the hallmark of a deep and everlasting love. I knew in my little underdeveloped heart that this would be one for the ages. Romeo and Juliet. Jack and Rose. Rick and Anna.

We were on a class field trip to a nearby farm. Lame but it’s one of the only options in rural Pennsylvania. It also seemed like the perfect spot to show Anna how much I liked her. My plan was foolproof. Even at such a young age, I just knew my love language was physical touch. So I took the only option that would properly convey my affection.

I pushed her down the massive hill we were standing on.

It was a hell of a shove. I’d put forth all the force my tiny five-year-old body could muster, like an outside linebacker sacking the quarterback. A technically sound, picture perfect rush. For her part, Anna rolled all the way to the bottom, her affection presumably rising with each rotation.

I stood at the top, eagerly awaiting another slow-motion turn. This time, however, her head whipped around. She was crying and hysterical. I was extremely confused. My father, a chaperone on the trip, rushed to intervene. I was “in trouble”.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. Namely, that women, in fact, do NOT like being pushed down hills. A critical bit of enlightenment in my early education. Turns out, I still had a lot experience to gain on my journey to truly understanding what it is that attracts the opposite gender.

Which brings us to our present moment. On modern dating apps, it’s basically a requirement that the man initiates the conversation. Since I can’t do my signature hill push move over text, I’m left with only my humorous personality. Luckily, I’m told it’s my most attractive trait.

So this week we’ll examine my convo game and open the comments up for feedback on what I could be doing better.

Loving All Forms of H2O

This girl’s bio said she enjoyed “any activity involving water.” Naturally, I had the perfect opener:

Obviously the most important thing to establish with any potential romantic partner is their position on the atrocities at Abu Ghraib and other black cell US intelligence sites. Unfortunately, we haven’t matched. I’m sure she just hasn’t logged in lately. There’s still hope!

A Sight For Sore Eyes

One girl’s bio said she was an optometrist, a profession I’ve had some troubling history with. I knew it was the perfect topic to relate to her (people love talking about their jobs):

I’m all for female empowerment. What better way to show that than by boldly stating I’m afraid of her? I’m sure this point would not be lost on her and that she, too, hasn’t logged in to read my opening line. It’s a shame how many people lose their passwords every day. Not to worry though! I found ANOTHER optometrist and had a chance to try a different opener:

Sure, I could use my health insurance and go get checked. Do I really need to though? Due to the requirements of the Hippocratic Oath, she would be morally obligated to tell me if my extended avoidance of optometrists is life-threatening. Since she hasn’t said anything, I can only assume I’m perfectly healthy and can continue skipping my check-ups.

Food Opinions

Next up is this match sitting in a weird chair (something that’s oddly common amongst women’s profile pictures):

So initially she was into the conversation. A total winner of an opener. Unfortunately, she too dropped off after this. I don’t know if it’s because I insulted Dairy Queen or if she’s just not into onion rings. Really though, who wants to be with someone who can’t appreciate a solid, crunchy onion ring? Not me. Next:

If discovering their stance on torture is the #1 key to a successful relationship, their views on cereal is probably #2. I am a very outspoken advocate for eating cereal completely dry. A view that all my friends already drag me for and one I expect to catch more heat on in the comments. Like Winston Churchill and the brave citizens of Britain in WWII, I stand by my conviction.

My Red Flags

Of course, as I continue engaging in conversations on these apps, I learn more and more about myself. For example, this match helped me discover some red flags I was unaware of:

I never knew that forgoing emojis was sending up red flags to my potential soulmate. There’s just nobody out here teaching these things. Another thing I was unaware of is the existence of scallion pancakes, my second strike with this match. After I confessed I’d never eaten boba, she decided she’d had enough and canceled our pending date, saying I was “not cultured enough”.¹

In closing, I am left bewildered. How has one of these lines not resulted in eternal love yet? Dear reader, I do not know. Just baffling. Honestly, maybe it’s because there are no hills in Florida. I bet if I just gave that strategy another shot it would work for sure.

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Comment

1. Do you have a go-to pickup line or story about one that’s been used on you to great success (or spectacular failure)?

1. To this day, I still have not tried boba, mostly out of spite.